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Old 07-14-2012, 01:25 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,132
Default Reply - Part 2

Quote:
Originally Posted by apophis View Post
We both like adventures, exploring new places, trying new foods, going for walks, etc. So when we want to share an experience and spend time with each other we do these things that we know we'll find mutual interest in... What I value isn't discovering the really interesting tree or path and then telling her about it. It's being there when we discover it together. We talk and play with each other while exploring something and share in the exploration.
I agree. The three of us enjoy these as well. We do them together.

Quote:
Originally Posted by apophis View Post
If either of us are out by ourselves (which we often are as well) and discover something interesting, we often rush home to drag the other person out to see it (a desirable experience on both our parts).
If any of us are out by ourselves (which does happen periodically) and discover interesting, we often rush home to drag the other two out to see it (a desirable experience on all of our parts).

Added benefit - sometimes we discover something interesting that only ONE of the other two would also be interested in - in which case we have someone to drag off and share it with (rather than noone).

Quote:
Originally Posted by apophis View Post
We want to do all of our traveling together (and already have so far) for the same reasons. The shared experience of the exploration and adventure with someone who we've shared the vast majority of the other exploration and adventure with is what is desirable. It's all quality time for us. Of course we'd go off at various times and do our own thing, but the point for us is to do most of it together. We get a tremendous amount out of the actively shared perspectives.
I've traveled with my family, by myself, with a friend, with my husband, and with my husband and boyfriend together. I envision that most of our travel in the future will be with the both of them - we all get a tremendous amount out of the actively shared experiences.


Quote:
Originally Posted by apophis View Post
In sexuality the exploration is the same. We both value having someone who we're entirely committed to. In fact, it seems a bit of a hassle to have to deal with other people. We have a growing understanding of each other's responses. We're always trying new things. At the same time, we understand each other sexually. The interrupting work for quick sex is just as desirable as the longer play at other times. To attempt to bring another person into those cycles and understandings would be...annoying.
Here we disagree. After 19 years of marriage we had tried all the "new" things we thought we might be interested in. We understand each other's responses, we understand each other sexually. Turns out you CAN teach an old dog new tricks...I have a much higher sex drive than hubs (always have) so I can try new things with Dude without wearing MrS out and then bring him what I have learned that I think he will like. Hot stuff!

Interestingly enough those cycles and understandings can be different with a different partner - exploring those has given me more insight into my own sexuality, which I can then share with MrS, to the benefit of all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by apophis View Post
When she goes somewhere I'll often pick her up when she comes back and vice versa.
We do this as well - there is just two people doing the picking up or being picked up - depending. (Perhaps I shouldn't talk about the time Dude picked MrS and I up at the airport after a week away and MrS drove us home while Dude and I had "I missed you so much" sex in the back of the station wagon on the way home while the trucker's honked and MrS laughed...talk about a "shared" experience...)


Quote:
Originally Posted by apophis View Post
The sharing of the financial burden (though we maintain strictly separate bank accounts) is valuable for us both. It provides support when work ebbs and flows for either one of us. It also means we can buy each other gifts without worrying about buying gifts for anyone else. We're always noticing what the other responds to, and I'll pick up a surprise gift that she doesn't know exists based on a new interest she has just because I can. I could never even afford to do that with multiple people, and the sheer exertion of trying to keep even two people in my head on that level would be exhausting. When I go to a book shop I browse for both me and her because I'm so familiar with what she's reading and what her current reactions to books are. I couldn't add another person into that.

I also could never do an ebb and flow of financial support with more than one person.
This is another area on which we disagree - but many couples (or vees or quads) handle finances differently. I am the primary breadwinner for our Vee - I'm good at it. My income is steady and sufficient to cover our needs and most of our "wants". Each person has enough "fun money" to allow for gift giving if desired. In addition - "giving/receiving gifts" is a "love language" that may or may not be important to different individuals. I am NOT a good gift giver or receiver unless the gift is absolutely perfect. MrS is an awesome gift "picker-outer" and will buy presents for me or Dude if he sees something we would love (he is in charge, also, of buying gifts for our nieces/nephews - the only other people we ever buy presents for). Dude will buy the occasional gift for MrS if he has noticed he has responded to something in that fashion. (They spend more time together than with me because of my work hours - so he has more opportunity to notice these than I do, in addition to the fact that they share so many "outside" interests.)


Quote:
Originally Posted by apophis View Post
Additionally there's the issue of care. Both of us value having the consistent person around who's familiar with everything to help when something goes wrong. There's no question that the person who knows her best won't be there when she's having trouble with something, is sick, or even is in the hospital and vice versa. There would never be an issue of she's sick but my other is in the hospital so they take priority or that both were in the hospital and time had to be divided.
What's wrong with having a backup person – who is also familiar with everything? Think about this in term of kids. If there are two (or more) parents – then there are more people available if they are sick or in the hospital. If two of your kids are sick do you really “choose” just one of them to take care of? I know my husband takes comfort in the fact that if something were to happen to him I would have someone to take care of me and support me – put out the dogs, make sure that I ate, etc. Someone who knew every facet of the situation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by apophis View Post
I couldn't divide my time between the things that she wanted to be involved in and the things that someone else wanted to be involved in. I'm far too focused on the person I'm with for that, and she is as well.
??? - this confuses me, chances are that if I am involved with someone then either they share the same things that I want to be involved in that my husband does as well, OR they share the same things that I want to be involved in that my husband does not (which I would otherwise be pursuing by myself) OR they share the same things that my husband does that I don't want to (thereby giving my husband a companion in their shared interest and letting me go do my own thing). Do you think that people really get involved with other people that they have NOTHING in common with?
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 07-14-2012 at 01:54 AM.
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