Timing is such a battle in my life. I swear the fates find it amusing to give me multiple conflicting issues to handle simultaneously.
So, the last few months have been bizarrely mild and agreeable on the poly-front. Bizarre-because it's been like 5 months without ANY poly-drama. WHich is new (and wonderful) in our life.
But, that 5 months began just after a nightmare drama over the winter.
Maca had met a girl-she's 12 years younger than me (he's older than me). She's a nice girl.
But her poly and our poly are VERY VERY different.
They met online last August or September. At that time, we had (at his request) a boundary about not dating anyone under 25 (which she was). He saw her profile on OKC and told me he was going to send her a short message regarding being careful in our area about people who proclaim to be poly-but tend to be like sharks feeding when it comes to new young bi women.
That made reasonable sense to me in light of the some of the frighteningly creepy shit we've seen go down.
Unbeknownst to me, they continued to converse.
I found out in October.
Then, in December they wanted to meet in person and their first meeting was ended with a kiss.
That broke multiple boundary agreements and I was t'd off.
In January she was introduced to me. I found out they'd been sharing naked photos and sexually explicit conversations for some time.
again, broken boundries.
Suffice it to say by the time it got around to her telling me she didn't think I was poly because I wasn't in love with falling in love and wasn't open to considering more lovers-I was close to ready to fly off the handle.
But, when she took the step of telling me that Maca wasn't the person I know him to be, that he'd changed and that I needed to accept the "new" him... I was done.
All hell broke loose between Maca and I after I wrote her an email letting her know that she was wrong and that it was inappropriate of her to suggest she knew him better than I did after a hand full of face to face meetings.
Fighting ensued for 2 months. Severe fighting.
He wanted to do away with several boundaries. I didn't want to even discuss it on account of the fact that boundaries were broken.
I understand that you can't dictate when a persons emotions will get involved, but I don't believe that is an excuse for allowing yourself to behave out of line of your agreements. It's much like "I was drunk" as an excuse. I don't give a DAMN if you are drunk or not-you are still responsible for your actions.
Finally, we managed to pin down a boundary list with some honesty and openness that hadn't been there previously. But, something happened in the interim between the two of them (I don't know what) and they quit talking.
In June she contacted him via text and through a series of bizarre happenstance things-I ended up reading the texts (not behind his back) before him. They were particularly caustic and hateful remarks about me. I didn't rise to the occasion. In fact, I just put the phone away and let him handle it however he saw fit (no idea what that was).
The following day, we were at a public event and she asked to meet with him privately. I was looking for him and he told me he was at the corner waiting for her as she wanted to talk. I was a little annoyed he hadn't said so to begin with-as it seemed rude not to say "hey honey, I'm going to be off meeting with XYZ for a few. I'll meet you in 1/2 hour." But, realized there wasn't a point in making a stink about it and ruining an otherwise good day.
They spoke-it was evidently heated and she basically said she was done with him. (I'm sure there was more that wasn't shared with me for my benefit).
He and I left alone (GG was nice enough to keep the kids for us) and spoke briefly about how upsetting the whole scenario was.
A couple weeks ago she texts him a link to a song-it's a goodbye song. she basically tells him she wants nothing to do with him again.
(dramafest or what? That was already addressed!)
yesterday she texts him while we're out to dinner wanting to know if he will make time to talk with her.
He tells me at that point, that she'd texted him a week or so ago because she saw us out-and commented to him that he looked happy. But the conversation had gotten caustic at that point as well.
They talked via text for a bit last night.
I happen to know by way of our own conversations that he's very hurt by her brush off, especially so since it came simultaneously to his gf moving out of state and then writing him off. He's feeling old, unattractive, unwanted and generally pissy because "it all comes easy" for me (with GG) but he has "nothing".
But-there's a lot of unresolved b.s. here.
I believe in allowing people to learn from their mistakes and I believe that they should be free to discuss what the fuck their issues are and how to fix them.
At the same time, I'm not ok with them moving forward as anything more than friends. PARTICULARLY not until amends have been made for the way I have been treated through this shit.
I have no issue with her doing poly her way-in her life. But, if she's wanting to date my partner, and our lifestyle isn't the same as hers-then they both need to adddress those differences and find a way to respect both.
(our boundaries are much more strict than hers are).
It's not acceptable to me that just because making out with friends is ok with HER-that it doesn't matter if she makes out with Maca-because it's NOT ok with him (if I do it) and it's not ok with me for him to do.
I had previously expressed (in Feb) that I wasn't ok with them moving forward at all-until our boundaries were addressed in full. But, he wasn't ok with going over them with her-because he knew she wouldn't like them.
Frankly-I don't care if she likes them or not.
Our boundaries allow for us to renegotiate them at 3 month intervals. If she wants to participate in the discussion-that's fine, when that time comes around.
But-one of the reasons we set it up that way-Is that I got SICK AND TIRED of Maca making boundries for his comfort-that limited GG and I; only to want to get rid of them when there was a woman in his life.
In my opinion, the boundaries were acceptable to him when he wasn't seeing someone, then he should date someone WITH those boundaries in place for a bit-experience the limitations himself.
It infuriates me that the boundaries he wants changed when he has a woman in his life-he wants put back in place when he doesn't. It's not fair to me. It's not fair to our relationship and it's not fair to GG and my relationship with him either.
It's bullshit to say "we can only have one other partner" (which means noone new for me) when he's single. But, when he has a girlfriend suddenly we can consider two-but when she leaves him we're back to one again.
It's bullshit to say it's ok to kiss friends/potentials so you can decide if there is a "connection" when he's wanting to.
But, it's not ok when he has no one to consider.
Those things aren't HER responsibility to hold him accountable for.
But, I do feel its my right to hold him accountable for them.
I don't want this to be another fucking drama.
But, damn it-why is it so hard to consider BEFORE you act?
Why is it so hard to think, "it would be easier for me to handle their relationship if this rule were in place, but am I willing to FOLLOW THIS RULE if I have someone" before making random rules?
why should it be acceptable to make strict rules binding my relationship with my boyfriend-that you are only going to do away with if you have a girlfriend-because they are too strict to "reasonably allow your relationship to blossom"....