Z and i had to call it off for real this week.
i pushed him away, and he accepted that. it was time. too much emotional rollercoaster for both of us, and i finally wore his patience thin.
he is my best friend. i miss him so much right now. all i can do is cry. i wish he would change his mind and just show up, but i know that wouldn't fix anything.
it would be like a drug: fix the immediate problem by taking another hit to make the withdrawals subside, but you're really adding to the ultimate problem by feeding it.
my therapist says we are finally getting down to the real work of it in going over my parents divorce and my early life. he says i have huge abandonment issues. i had only barely thought about this. i've always been told - and mostly believed - that i have commitment issues.
i've never thought of myself as wounded - only as one who wounded others. a voice in my head says that if i accept that idea, i'm only feeling sorry for myself, and that's no good.
i feel like i have been abandoned...but first by myself.
i told him i really wanted to come by his place after work and hug him, but i knew i would just cry all over him, although i didn't want to change his mind, and he was right; separation is best for both of us - so if he didn't want to meet up, that was okay, i understood.
his last text to me today was, "i don't think meeting one more time this evening would be a good idea for me. i'm sorry. please know that i do love you very, very much, and that's not going to change no matter what happens. don't worry about losing me forever or me turning against you, it just can't happen. this will work out in time and i'll be here for you no matter what, i promise."
i hold onto this right now like a sacred text, like a last letter from a loved one. i know, i'm being melodramatic. i still feel like someone has died, and i ache clear through to my bones.
maybe i really don't belong here, among all of you who can successfully love more than one person without clinging like this. right now i'm just posting to get it out of me.
going to sleep.