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Old 07-12-2012, 09:41 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552

Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
I don't know if it can start as on OPP and evolve.
I think it can, if people work on it. MC and I didn't exactly start as a OPP, since I wasn't limited by gender, but I was limited by what was okay with other people. Now, we started as more "open"- "poly" just kind of happened when I fell in love with TGIB, so maybe that makes a difference.

The key, as I see it, is what happens when what one person wants is different from what the other person is ok with. What process is used. Many times I went to MC with, "I'd really like to do *this*, what do you think? Would you be okay with that?" or "Well, something happened that you and I hadn't specifically talked about, so I'd like to know what you think and how you feel." I wasn't asking permission, but I was making sure I took his feelings into consideration. And so sometimes boundaries changed, sometimes they didn't. After a while we got to a point where everything was okay except PiV intercourse, which was fine with me. There were a couple people I would have liked to sleep with, but it was mostly curiosity, not "I love them and I need to express it this way" so I easily made the choice to put MC's comfort first.

And then, 14 years down the road, when I finally had a real need behind renegotiating that boundary, he listened. It took a couple months, and I did get to the point where I said, "I really want to do this, and you have *this much* time to get used to the idea." It helps that he wasn't STRONGLY against it, he just wasn't comfortable with it. And, like has been previously said on here, sometimes the only way to get comfortable with something is to *ahem* expose yourself to it. He was worried about the repercussions, if/how it would alter us, etc, but in the end the only way to answer those questions was to try it and see.

And it's worth noting that the boundary didn't just disappear. MC is okay with me sleeping with TGIB specifically. If I were to meet someone else I wanted to go to that level with, it'd be a whole new negotiation, and now I'd have TWO people's feelings to consider!!
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
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