Originally Posted by mercury
Are you saying that if a woman keeps not having a boyfriend (only girlfriends) in order to keep her husband/primary boyfriend comfortable and unthreatened, she'll eventually resent it and leave?
Not necessarily. That depends upon the woman. But, I think that any relationship where an effort is made to "change" from the "oldschool mono/control" dynamic to something different is going to fail if there is a simultaneous effort to keep the control factors in place for ONE party.
The way I understood your question was that the woman accepts a OPP in the hopes that eventually the man will open his mind to her being with another man. THAT isn't going to work imho. Because, he has no reason to open his mind to that. Now, if there was a "I will agree not to have sex with any other men for x amount of time while you get used to the idea" that might be different. But, just accepting the policy-its going to blow up. For a person to get used to something-they have to face it. They aren't going to get over their fears and insecurities regarding her being with another man-by avoiding it.
In fact, the best observation/advise I've heard/seen/read was from Mono on here and it was regarding getting over the jealousy and insecurity of your woman being with another man.
His suggestion was watch it-or be there with her a few times-so you get used to seeing her HAPPY with the other man. For starters, we become somewhat immune to the shock value of something we see often (hear about this a lot regarding teens and violent movies/games). So if you put it in your own face often enough-your mind will "normalize" the experience. Which in turn makes it less distressing.
Additionally, often times when we see that they are happy with the other-and then we experience afterward that they are still committed and happy with us-we are able to dissolve the fear that being satisfied by someone else will make them want to leave.
BUT-if we simply try to avoid facing the circumstance, we never get the chance to normalize it or to reassure ourselves. Instead we suffer in a false security.
Originally Posted by Glitter
I actually never thought about that. Hubby and I agreed to let me date who I want, and he date who he wants. Just makes sense to us. Restricting ourselves because someone is fearful is just nurturing that fear. It may not be all that comfortable in the beginning, but the positives outweigh the negatives, so it works
Agreed and GREAT JOB! Wish it had been that simple of a decision for us-but we're getting there.