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Old 07-11-2012, 11:55 PM
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FannyHackabout FannyHackabout is offline
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1. Do those "pangs" ever go away completely?

I wouldn't say they ever completely go away. To say they do so would be saying that you've entirely eliminated the emotion of jealousy/envy in your relationship, and that's not something one can entirely do. You can't guarantee it because down the road you might experience a "pang" again in response to a situation.

However, hopefully those "pangs" become a lot more few and far between. If they are something you constantly experience in a poly relationship that needs to be looked at. I actually struggled with those "pangs" a great deal in a good portion of my relationship. I ended up having to take some time to really ask myself, "is there something my partner is doing that we need to discuss? Is this just an issue I have that I need to learn better ways of dealing with it constructively? Or is this a sign that this relationship might not be right for me?

I found asking those questions was a huge step to get me started on really getting healthy, since in my case the problem was with me. Now those pangs are very few and far between.

2. Do you share the details of whether you've kissed/what you've done/what the kiss/sex/whatever was like?

Currently only with my boyfriend and (sometimes) his girlfriend, A. Though I was in the past, I am currently not together with his girlfriend S, and I've only begun casually having sex with him and his girlfriend A, who is new to the relationship.

Because my boyfriend, A and I have sex together, everyone knows the details, but before I was having sex with A I would talk to her about sex with our boyfriend, and she would do the same. He would also tell me about sex with A when I asked. So yes, I share details, but not with the partner I am not with. I do not ask for details about her sex with them, either.



3. Does one activity bother you more than others? i.e. sex/kissing/love/dating often?

My boyfriend, A and S live together, but I live separately from them. So they are together most of the week, and then I go see my boyfriend and A on the weekends. Sometimes S hangs out for a while too (she is still one of my best friends and I care very much for her), sometimes A will hang with S and leave me and my boyfriend alone, but you get the picture.

I find the thing I get most upset about when I can't be with them is sex. Specifically the fact that I know he's having sex with them and I can't because I am unable to get to him during the week. However, that's usually only when I'm already in a bad place emotionally. I may be feeling irritated or sad or needy, so it comes out more often at those times.

Back when my relationship was beginning, two years ago, I was joining my boyfriend and S to form a triad. I was in a very different place at the time, and it was love that bothered me most. The struggle I had with S over her relationship with our boyfriend is what tore us apart, twice. Now, with the addition of A, love does not bother me so much anymore, because I've done a lot of personal growth in the past year. But a while back it was love that bothered me most.

4. Do you expect to meet your primary's dates?

Absolutely. In fact, I prefer to meet them before my partners even go on dates. For us dates really mean become sexual partners, but we all agree it is of utmost importance to at least know the person is having sex with someone new, if not meet them.

The thing is we usually all end up having sex with a new sexual partner, so of course we get to meet them anyway.

5. Do you have limits on the amount of times per week that you see secondaries?

There are no secondaries and there are no limits. The only reason I don't see them as often is because I live in a different city. There is also the matter of working around S and my own schedule, since she does not stay overnight while I am there, and vice versa.

6. Do you operate a "I'll do (x activity - date/kiss/sleep with) then tell you" - or do you operate "I'd like to do (x) - would you be ok with it?"

We are always up front about what we intend to do with a new partner. It's sometimes a group communication, but it's ALWAYS at least between our boyfriend and us. For example, I saw someone a while back. It was a non-sexual relationship, but there were other elements to it, and I had to be very clear cut and very upfront with my boyfriend about it. He needed to be informed and be comfortable. That's just how our relationship works.

7. Do you have a veto rule? Do you agree with vetoing?

There is an informal veto rule, but it's only used in extreme cases.

For example, late last year my boyfriend wanted to be the "director" of a webcam session with a female friend of his. She and her boyfriend had just broken up, and she asked my boyfriend to tell her "what to do" for her boyfriend over the cam. So basically she would be on camera and my boyfriend would be directing her as to how to give her boyfriend a "show."

S and I used the veto rule in this case for the reason that the friend in question was in an emotionally unstable and vulnerable place and we didn't want our boyfriend involved in that. He was very unhappy, but he didn't do it.

Basically, there has to be a valid reason for the veto. I couldn't just say that "I didn't like her." I would have to say why I didn't like her and see if there was a valid concern there.

We all work so closely in the relationship that the veto rule rarely comes out. My boyfriend's veto is final, though, but that's because we have a power exchange relationship.

8. What is the biggest stress for you in poly? (possessiveness, jealous, threat, guilt, time constraints, etc)

Time, mostly. I don't get to see everyone as much as they see each other, and sometimes that makes me sad. It can be hard when I'm in a tough place emotionally to deal with that.

Possessiveness and jealousy have been the more prominent ones at different points in the relationship. I really was not ready for poly when I started, and that added a lot of stress to the relationship. I had to learn to work on dealing with my own issues before the possessiveness and jealousy could fade to the background.

9. What is the difference, for you, between acting in a poly way, and acting in a single way?

Honestly, there isn't much difference. I still use the same principles in a poly relationship as I did in monogamous relationships. I still had to work on open communication and jealousy in monogamous relationships.

The difference between monogamous relationships and poly relationships is that there are more people. That's it. It just means that managing things can be a little more complicated at times with more than two people in the mix, that arguments can be a little more stressful because you can be arguing with multiple people at once, that being able to meet everyone's needs sometimes conflicts. It can feel like a lot more work, but really the same principles are there. You're just adding more people.
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