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Old 07-11-2012, 11:09 PM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: The Great Soggy Northeast
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Usual caveat: I haven't yet read the rest of the thread! Bear with me! The short answer to the question is, in fact, "yes". I am not poly because I want more sex. I am poly because I think differently about a lot of relationship types, as you'll see.

Originally Posted by Quietfever View Post
For the first time I feel relieved of this pressure and like if I wanted to live outside of the paradigm of marriage and primary partnership, then it would not mean being totally alone. I am a very loving friend and enjoy one-on-one time with people and connecting at a deep level. In a weird way, by letting go of the pair paradigm and by letting go of trying to find a soulmate, I feel more likely to actually find one, too.
The bolded part is what feels liberating about embracing who I am. Other girls had wedding dreams; mine were nightmares. I also had a hard time understanding the exclusivity of pairing off. Partly this was because I felt like the "one" at the tail end of a population of umpteen and one. Partly this was down to not getting why, if A wants B, C wants B, and B likes both, they can't all get along.

I don't believe soulmates come in pairs, either. I suspect that if we do have souls, those souls bond in so many different permutations over time, with so many different people, that it's pointless to declare one mate. More a matter of metaphysics, though.

Now that I have some poly friends, I always have someone to see a film with or talk to, even if they are in a relationship. The relationships aren't totally "airtight" against deep friendships with other people the way my monogamous friends' relationships are.
It's one thing to be monogamous. It's quite another to insulate oneself against anyone outside that monogamous pair. How simultaneously lonely and stifling, to only have one "person" but to be stuck with that one all the time! I'm used to extended families -- grandmothers, aunties, cousins, and the like -- and I think my friendships reflect this. It takes a village, etc.

When I've been in monogamous relationships, however, that person tended to be very threatened by the other people in my life. I've ended up MORE lonely in relationships than I've ever been single. I said.

They expected to be the only person with whom I shared Deep Conversation type of energy. They wanted to be the only person who knew about my life. Trouble is, plenty of people do. I'm not that hard to know.
I've had a similar problem. I had a boyfriend who wanted to shape me. He had already determined that he knew me exclusively, better than I knew myself. His attempts to change me silenced me as thoroughly as if he'd forbidden me to speak with anyone from the outside. In a sense, I feel he thought I was cheating on him with... me. Which is sad.

Whereas I am happiest living in an amorphous web of relationships (I'm capable of having multiple best friends) of various levels of depth and I don't want to feel like I have to suddenly transition my friendships to shallow acquaintanceships when I become romantic and sexual with somebody. I don't feel like I am a fit in the "pairs" world and I've been deeply unhappy when I've been part of a pair. I'd like to be in love - but I'd like it to evolve organically. The "pairs" world seems to leave no possibility for that.
It only behaves that way if we let it. I only stay friends with people who treat me like a human, not as a threat or a possession. I acknowledge how very precious CdM is to me, but he can't be everyone and everything to me, and I seek out people who feel the same about their partners. We're all over the spectrum; of the ones I consider best friends, perhaps two have opened themselves up to non-monogamous possibilities. The rest are monogamous or not telling. Don't get me wrong! I also enjoy my polyamorous friends! But I don't limit myself to them, either.

I try, also, to cultivate individual relationships with people. That guy my friend married is Ryan, not Alyx's husband. He is jolly fun all by himself, and you want him on your side in an RPG. I don't force it. If I can't relate to a friend's SO, then I can't relate, but it doesn't change who my friend is to me. If I fake it, attempting to like someone just because she is John Doe's wife, what happens if they divorce? Will the ex-Mrs Doe expect more from me than I feel? (This really happened. It was a mess.)
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