Originally Posted by Magdlyn
Hi QuietFever, welcome to the board!
Shoot a PM to Imaginary Illusion to move your thread. He did misread your post. This topic is of good general interest and should be on a different forum.
It's funny, even though I am a highly sexual woman, I can relate to your views on poly, and the sometimes unhealthy insularity of mono focused people, who shut themselves off from others to avoid jealousy.
Even thought I now know I've been poly all my life, like you, I didn't have a word for it for a long time, and in my case, I sometimes thought I was an immoral slut. I was in a mono relationship for 30 years, married, 3 kids, house, pets, etc.
My ex-husband has low self esteem and was highly jealous and threatened by any close relationships I had. This was particularly brought home when the internet developed message boards. I ended up on a board where I had a lot of platonic gfs who I became quite close with. My ex was even jealous of the time I spent with them, and imagined all we did was sit around and diss our male partners, including him. Sure, we did talk about issues we were having with our partners, but we also talked of so many other things! He always imagined the worst.
Also because of my poly nature, I would get crushes on friends sometimes, or on this or that celebrity. He used to scold me for having a crush on, say, Johnny Depp and tell me to get out and go live with him! (As if!)
Anyway, yeah, it was a blessing when the polyamory movement became more accessible via the internet and some new good books on the topic. Eventually my ex and I divorced, and I have found new partners and friends who really get my queer and poly nature, and my gods, it is SO freeing. I've never been happier in my life.
Oh my god THIS. This has been EVERY monogamous partner I've been with. It got to the point that I just couldn't stand being in a relationship anymore, if this is what it's like and it's even somewhat socially acceptable.
My exes both felt that any kind of deep conversation shared between friends, or even my posting on the internet about practically anything deeper than what brand of cat food to buy, constituted emotional infidelity... because all friendship energy belonged only within the partnership. My ex-husband was upset when I told my livejournal friends that I'd had a problem with hair pulling - he literally felt he should be the only person to know this about me (and my being open with the problem is part of my therapy for the problem and I could NOT make him understand that). He would throw tantrums if I paid more attention to someone other than him, even a platonic friend.
And my ex-girlfriend was upset when I mentioned being bisexual on another message board (I IDd as bi at the time). She couldn't stand that I shared my thoughts, dreams, etc with any other person - but she herself didn't really want to talk about them, either.
I had been single for VERY many years before these two (the two relationships were a year apart), almost all of my adult life, and felt sustained by my friendship groups and my FWB (who I may have possibly just committed to and stayed with for a long time (until I realized I'm primarily attracted to women, at least), if we'd known about poly - we just didn't want to be exclusive to each other and felt like if we were known to be a couple, we'd have to be) and my dating... but then felt like I had to "grow up" and get married because I was about to turn 30 and was being left behind by my (monogamous) social group who were all coupling off.
I'm really at the point where I can barely imagine anymore a relationship that is happy and isn't emotionally abusive and I'm frightened of being under the same roof with anyone.
I almost think I would rather be a "secondary" than a primary. It would take a LOT to make me want to live with someone again. I really, really, really want a long time of enjoying the trips together and the dating and the falling in love before we move on to arguing over who last did the dishes or whether or not someone paid their share of the phone bill.
The partners seeming to think they need to own my *mind* is the worst part. My exes were obsessed with my writing and my thoughts and felt I shouldn't share my thoughts and dreams with any other person but them. My ex girlfriend didn't even want me talking about my writing with other people. I had told her that my writing was the most important part of me, it represented my inner world - then she felt that it was emotional cheating if I talked about it with anyone else (but didn't herself want to talk about it and wasn't a really good person to talk to about it, not being a writer herself or even very interested). I haven't written since she and I were together