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Old 07-11-2012, 05:45 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

1. Do those "pangs" ever go away completely?
Jealousy pangs sometimes come up for me, but I'm not a terribly jealous type. I've always tried to step back and get some objectivity on a situation if such pangs come up, and I curse myself if I ever let them get to me. I see them as indications of insecurity on my part. My goal is to love without attachment, so feeling jealousy tells me I am not only insecure, but too attached (and therefore too needy). I would never ask someone to change who they are to accommodate my insecurities.
2. Do you share the details of whether you've kissed/what you've done/what the kiss/sex/whatever was like?
I had one lover who liked it when I told him stories of my sex life, whether from the past or present, but that was just as a turn-on when we were in bed. Right now I just have one lover-friend and several potentials right now, so I am not at any stage of sharing info. If I did, it would be according to who is comfortable with that type of sharing. But I probably wouldn't volunteer the info unless it was appropriate to a conversation.
3. Does one activity bother you more than others? i.e. sex/kissing/love/dating often?
I really don't understand this question at all. Bother? Why would these things bother me?
4. Do you expect to meet your primary's dates?
I don't subscribe to a primary/secondary hierarchy, so I don't have nor want a primary. Whenever I have multiple lovers, they all have equal place in my life. And no, I wouldn't expect to meet my lovers' other lovers unless under unusual or coincidental circumstances.
5. Do you have limits on the amount of times per week that you see secondaries?
Again, since I don't conduct my relationships according to a primary/secondary hierarchy, I have neither a primary nor any secondaries. As stated earlier, any lovers I have all are considered equally in terms of their places in my life. And as far as times per week, I could never live with a routine. I play it by ear, see what's happening in my life, find out who's available, and make plans accordingly.
6. Do you operate a "I'll do (x activity - date/kiss/sleep with) then tell you" - or do you operate "I'd like to do (x) - would you be ok with it?"
Are you talking about reporting back to a primary? Basically, I tell men who wish to be my lovers that I am not exclusive, that they have to be comfortable with my dating and being sexual with other people, and that I will be safe. If they want more info than that, we talk about it. In the beginning of my relationship with my current lover-friend, I said I would let him know whenever I've been sexual with someone else, but in the year that has passed since we started seeing each other, I have only gone on dates and made out with other guys, but not had sex with any of them. He did ask me about a month or two ago if I've had sex with anyone else. So, for us, it's kind of a "I'll let you know every now and then what I've been up to," but we don't clear any activities with each other beforehand.
7. Do you have a veto rule? Do you agree with vetoing?
Vetoes suck. I would never agree to vetoes in my own relationships, but then again, I would never get involved with anyone who would presume to have that much authority over my other relationships. Also, as a solo, one of my most important personal boundaries is to never get involved with someone who has a veto agreement with his SO. No metamours of mine are allowed to make any decisions about how or if I conduct my relationships. If I am interested in a partnered poly guy, I ask right away if he has a veto agreement with his SO. If yes, I walk away and do not get involved. They can have all the rules they want between them, and it's perfectly okay if some of them affect me (like in how much time we can spend together, how often, or something like that), but I don't need to automatically kowtow to a couples' insecurities. No guy is worth putting up with that crap.
8. What is the biggest stress for you in poly? (possessiveness, jealous, threat, guilt, time constraints, etc).
I have other stresses in my life; poly isn't one of them. I want my relationships to be respites from the rest of my life, so I try not to invite more stressful situations into my world. After a very tumultuous time trying to figure out one of my early poly 'ships, I now only look for people who want to be in easygoing, fun relationships, without a lot of big expectations, so it keeps the stress and drama low. And I haven't had to juggle more than two guys at a time since embracing and practicing poly. But I would say that, clear communication and time management have probably been the biggest challenges.
9. What is the difference, for you, between acting in a poly way, and acting in a single way?
I am a solo polyamorist, so on the outside it could just look like I am just single and dating lots of people. But the difference is the transparency, and my goals for my relationships. In this monogamy-oriented culture, "single" not only means "not married," but also implies a hope for singlehood to end with finding The One. If I were single, then my goal would be to find The One and live happily ever after with him. So, even if I told the guys I was dating that I was seeing other people, there would be an understanding that it is only a temporary state, and that each guy should be angling to be the one I pick. They would probably not like hearing too much about the others, and I would be looking for which one is the "best" choice for a committed partnership. Singlehood and monogamy fosters more competition, I think. But being solo poly means that I am independent and not waiting for The One, but choosing to have multiple lovers indefinitely, equally committed to having all my relationships work as well as possible according to their unique flavors, and that I can be very open and transparent about what I'm doing and who I choose to be with. So the guys I get involved with have to be very secure and content with being a companion, friend, and lover without thinking they have to try and "win" some elevated place in my life. Big difference, I think.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 05:18 AM.
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