Originally Posted by WhatHappened
Yet I don't feel 'in love.' I don't feel infatuated. I don't think I feel NRE.
I would love to hear some feedback from others in this position as to whether you held back and resisted feeling more for your poly SO.
Well I'm not monogamous, though my relationship with husband started off as a secondary relationship. I felt LOVE but I never felt infatuated or NRE with him. I felt all that in
stuff with my first husband, but I was 20, and I think that happens easier when we're younger and haven't been hurt much. I will say I was confused about not feeling that stuff the second time around (I feel a big distinction between love/in love). 8 years later I'm glad I didn't let the lack of butterflies keep me from exploring the relationship. Neither relationship was more rewarding because of the presence or absence of those things, both relationships are wonderful in their own right.
I think it can be harder to let yourself fall in love with people who already have partners, it can be harder to understand where your place in each others lives are, and often there's worry about if it's going to be negatively impacting their other relationships - that makes it pretty hard to relax and just feel.
I wonder how much of this is because your bf only alludes to love. I am guessing if he told you he loved you, you might be able to let go and start feeling those warm fuzzies more? I didn't actually start feeling NRE with my boyfriend for over a year, and that was related to a level of comfort and trust built over time, so it's possible to experience it later on. I know it's hard to sort out how much of what you're feeling is connected to mono/poly and how much is related to if he's the "one" you want to be with. All I can recommend is talking to him about the subject if you haven't.