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Old 07-11-2012, 05:46 AM
Quietfever Quietfever is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 20

Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
Um, I've never been in love with anyone who would even dream of me making that sacrifice.

But then, even when I was mono with MC for a short while when we were newly married (by choice, since I was still very much in the "honeymoon" phase with him and not looking for other connections), that never stopped me from talking to people. That's actually my favorite thing to do, besides read. When I stop talking to people, that's when I know something's wrong!

ETA: I think if it were not for the sexual connection, I would not consider it strictly "poly", but I can see where you're coming from. I've always been the type of person to develop close, intense friendships, and those who couldn't deal with it were cheerfully (or not) told where to get off. It makes sense that poly people would be less threatened by intense friendships, I just hadn't thought about it that way before. I didn't consider myself poly until TGIB and I started a committed relationship- what you're describing, to me, fits better in my category of "open"- open to possibilities, but not pushing for any goal in particular.
Yeah - open to possibilities. I used to generally get with people who were severe introverts and who were very, very private people. In my relationship paradigm, I needed a relationship to fit in and didn't have any confidence that I would hold the interest of a more vibrant or social individual, and it was these very introverted people who were the easiest to get into relationships with.

I have never been in a situation where I can imagine being sexual with more than one person - but I think it may be because my relationships weren't very long and my energy was consumed with trying to make these impossible situations work.

I am ready for something more spacious now, with more freedom. Where it's OKAY for me to love multiple people and while I don't necessarily feel like sleeping with more than one person (because it's rare I even feel like sleeping with one), the love wouldn't be damaged by trying so hard to keep the sex from happening.

What piqued my interest was the fact that a bi married poly friend is interested in me (I am a gay woman) and that I seem to keep having the most emotional and spiritual compatibility with poly people. At first I was really worried that if I enter a relationship with a married person (even if they are poly), I will feel pressured to find a primary mate myself.

But what I realized is that if I'm in a different relationship paradigm, I may actually not even need to be in a primary relationship and if one showed up, it'd be because it's what she and I both want.

Another thing - I have been close to any number of men (platonically) but the monogamy paradigm has ended the friendship, because their partner didn't approve.

It feels like the boundaries many monogamists try to put up, even keep their friends out.

I think I may have become so sexually shut down because sex = feeling trapped in a bad relationship, in my own experience, and it's not even something I associate with "fun" anymore.

At one point I was sleeping with a good friend (a bi man), long before I came out as a lesbian. We still saw other people but loved each other dearly. But we didn't have the language for this and wouldn't admit to our mutual friends that we were doing anything together as more than friends, because we had no language for what we were, and we were scared that we would end up socially "thinged" into something we didnt want to be. The problem was worse for me than him. I very much wanted to be with a woman, but couldn't admit I had any kind of relationship with this guy, and I hadn't heard of polyamory. He had no trouble being open and honest and still finding male lovers.

He would be the one who dried my tears when I was crying over a woman. He ultimately is the one who helped me come out and helped me realize that I really wanted to be with a woman and wasn't that attracted to men.

Eventually I ended the "benefits" part of the friendship, but then found my partners couldn't even deal with the fact that I am still close with this guy.

i stay over and we occasionally sleep in the same bed (clothed) when I come visit, which I don't do when I'm in a relationship. The sexual energy isn't there anymore though. We are like siblings quite a lot.

I have sexually been pretty monogamous, but if there's such a thing as emotional cheating, then I guess I am emotionally slutty. I can feel close to either men or women... it's just that women are the ones I tend to want to go that extra step with.

Last edited by Quietfever; 07-11-2012 at 05:56 AM.
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