Thanks, Anne. Yes, it's proving to be incredibly difficult to find a point where we are both comfortable. As it stands right now, the very best that Q is offering is to give her contact details to her potential interest and ask him to pass them on to his others.
Some of the arguments being tabled by Q against contacting them directly are:
- Contacting others removes their right to privacy.
- She might not like the person being contacted.
- She feels that the responsibility for ensuring there is informed consent isn't being delegated, so it's too going to be too much time and stress to deal with it herself.
- That I typically over-analyse things. (To be fair, I do. That's why I brought this to these forums to find out what others thought).
- She feels like there's a lack of trust in both herself and the people she chooses to date.
- Exactly who should be contacted, anyhow? How is it to be determined whether someone is a casual or a serious/regular partner?
- She thinks it infantilizes her date.
My thoughts on these are:
1. The privacy one is certainly a tricky one. Q's main thrust to this point is that perhaps they really don't want
to be contacted. I agree that that's potentially the case, but perhaps they'd also really appreciate
being contacted, too. I suggested that it would seem entirely reasonable to ask her prospect to ask his others if they would be OK with being contacted; that way they can state at the start whether they would be OK or not.
2. Frankly, it's really not important whether there's harmonious accord with the person being contacted. There's really no requirement for friendship, as stated previously. The flip side, of course, is that the person may turn out to be a really great future friend!
3. GG summed it up quite nicely earlier in this thread -- it's so easy to do, why not
do it? I don't really have any truck with responsibility being delegated on such matters as it's surely the responsibility of everyone concerned?
4. Yeah, OK, I over-analyse stuff. Not really sure what that has to do with this particular situation.
5. Trust is clearly a biggie. 2.5 years ago there was negative equity on the trust front and it's been a long, hard road to reclaim it. I'm probably never going to trust Q 100% (but then, 100% trust seems more like fairy tale wishful thinking than real life, to me). I trust her enough to have this type of relationship dynamic with her. Does it mean that my triggers for what feels way too close to stuff going on where people are being kept at arm's length and being denied the opportunity to informed consent are all dealt with? No
Not really going to be in a position to trust a potential metamour until I've had the opportunity to get to know the person; even then, trust isn't guaranteed.
6. Into the realm of grey areas and I'm not really even totally clear in my own mind as to how to make such a determination. Perhaps it needs to be just as much an intuition thing as "you've been seeing x for y months -- I think that means it's no longer merely casual".
7. I see it rather from the opposite perspective. It seems incredibly adult to me to create a situation where everyone has their cards on the table.
Ok, I realise I'm less than calm and composed as I'm posting this. It really is stirring up a whole load of stuff from the past that I'm desperately trying to find the strength and time to deal with.