Strained, stretched, butter spread too thinly... Carob's been fairly mindfucked. He's got sick, convinced it's early symptoms of infection. Very likely not, but it's triggering a cycle of worrying. He hasn't been able to sleep much, and big bills this month means he's also really poor. I suggested going to the doctor to get something to help with sleep or anxiety, and he said he will if he needs to but is concerned with if he can afford it.
Couple of days ago he went to see an AIDS counsellor - really good idea. It calmed him down quite a bit and he has a plan to get tested again when I'm there later this month. That will be 80% chance of accurate result.
This morning got up early to help Sago with a presentation he's doing today. Two hours later, there's a message from C asking if I can Skype. I finish up as quickly as I can and talk to him. He's crying, scared. Worried that if he's positive and I leave again that he won't be able to handle it. Aah... shit, dude.
Need to hold you right now. Wish I had money to help you out. You're slipping and I can't help much at all :/ I told him it's almost certain the result won't be positive, but if it is and he needs me to stay then I will. I said in general, whatever you need, if it's something I can give you then I'll do it.
As for me, I dunno. Need to get a whole heap done before I head away. When I keep busy I'm mostly okay. But my heart's going out to him, bleeding out.
I'm sleeping better than he is, but restless dreams, going round the cogs of this stress. In the morning I feel churned out of my subconscious.
Can't talk about anything I need right now, not to C at least, perspective all out of whack.
Sago and Ayla have been awesome. Ayla's very good friends with Carob and has been chatting with him quite a bit. She's found some useful links, like the free counselling and testing service.
Sago's been gentle with me, wrote a really sweet & kind e-mail to C, and is simply being his regular all-round awesome self.
In another city, there's apparently a better test available that shows up accurate results much sooner. If this is true, C may ask his ma to pay for him to go to get that. I reckon his mental health is really on balance right now, so if that's an option for him to get what he needs, then I hope it works out.