AC - I'm going to post as I too, like Whathappened, am in a similar situation as C and can also speak for what my polyBF feels.
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused
I know this isn't easy for him, but I think he knows I do everything I can to mitigate these things. All the hard work in my marriage to make this relationship even possible. Offering to spend far more time with him than he has ever chosen to accept. Wanting to keep this up for as long as he is willing. We've both always known this isn't likely to last forever, but he's the one with the game plan for ending it.
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused
This is what C seems to feel too, except that he seems intent on finding a full time partner as soon as he can find someone he likes, in spite of how well this situation seems to fit his needs.
This seems reversed. For many of the other 'secondary' relationships spoken candidly about on here, the primary already accepts that a part time deal is less than ideal for the secondary partner. As much as it hurts them to let that person go, if they can't offer a full relationship, they can't expect them to stay put indefinitely. It's selfish to restrict that.
There are a few red flags here, as 'secondary'. Your husband doesn't accept him. You two don't have sex. Why would he want to commit himself deeper and into this long term if the risk is there that this doesn't move beyond where it is now or the risk that your husband decided to veto this relationship? You want a commitment from him long term, but what does he get in return? An extra date/few hours a week? I understand you want to develop a deeper bond with him but it seems unfair.
We all justify why we settle into these secondary relationships - career, children, life circumstances, but that doesn't mean that we will want that forever and it's only fair to allow us to keep our options open. My bf encourages me to find a more normal relationship that can offer me all the benefits he enjoys with his primary partner as he knows it's hypocritical to keep me from that option while he enjoys it himself. But he is honest that it hurts him so much to think of me moving on. I appreciate his honesty, and I don't ever want to hurt him.
All these things that WH said. All of them.
Originally Posted by WhatHappened
I fear coming to a point where I'm deeply in love with BF and it is painful, rather than peaceful, to be going to bed alone every night while he is with someone else. It seems foolish to invest a lot of time and energy building a bridge to nowhere...or worse yet, building a bridge to a place where he and I are even more emotionally invested and will both be hurt even worse when it ends.
Again, offering what insight I can from my own experience, I feel much like (I think) C does; I feel I need
to go find a full-time partner, quick, now, before I fall in love completely with BF and find myself miserable because I can't be with him, etc. Yet I also worry about BF. He's very heavily invested emotionally. I worry about hurting him, and yet I feel we've worked ourselves into a corner in some ways where someone is going to get hurt.
I just feel stuck in a situation I didn't ask to be part of (although obviously I've gone along and said yes every step of the way he's invited--because I like him and enjoy his company so much).
I very much don't want BF to ever feel disposable. It's not how I regard him. And yet I just feel at this stage that the situation is so inherently flawed, it can't possibly last forever as it currently is, and someone is going to go through a great deal of pain when it ends, quite possibly both of us. I kind of feel like I'm flailing and scrambling to get out of a net that's slowly tightening, and yet it's a net I don't really want to get out of. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to be hurt myself. I just feel that as pleasant and wonderful as it is right now, I don't really see how it can end on a happy note for both of us.
I am two years into this form of relationship now and WH is right, it's past the point of no return. We have fallen in love with each other and ending things will hurt us both very deeply.
I know where your heart/head is at. My bf stresses about it often. It keeps him up at night wondering how he's going to cope if/when I leave. He gets sad, depressed, worries alot about it. He had a dream a couple of weeks ago that we were breaking up and we were both crying in the dream, broken hearted. He told me about his dream as I woke up, and I was very quiet. I asked him "Is that a sign? Is that what you want to do?" He was stunned and replied 'No, no I don't, but I was worried that you did when you were so quiet." So we reinforced our commitment to each other. I had to reassure him as much as he had to reassure me of the strength and importance of our relationship despite it's challenges.
I don't know what the future holds for us.
Like WH said, I have a great guy who I cherish, who treats me well and loves me so much. We have an amazing time whenever we are together. He fills my heart with such peace, comfort and love. Maybe one day, if my circumstances change, or when I can't deal with not having him by my side every night as we sleep, I will move on. But it will devestate us both
. No question.
That said, I can understand why someone new going into this, as C is, would be hesitant.
Don't take it personally, it's the nature of the poly beast. Love him the best you can, while you can.