Originally Posted by turtleHeart
part of my problem has been that when J is around he kind of takes over Ginko's attention, at least in my perception, and he likes to drop in for a day or two at a time (often at a moment's notice) whenever he can, leaving me suddenly feeling like I've lost my weekend with her.
For a lot of people this WOULD be an issue. I understand some people can't do strict scheduling, but if his dropping by is an issue, then you should come to a more useful agreement with your wife. If you want to be spending the weekend with her (and have the attention/time to give her, and you're just not wanting her around while you're home) then you should be able to say "no, I don't want to entertain J, I want to spend the weekend with you. She should be graceful enough to say yes sometimes, and it's nice if you work to be graceful enough to flexibly say OK sometimes (which it sounds like you do).
I'm not spontaneous - I dislike planning things less than 2-3 days in advance, and I can get bothered if my husband wants to make plans for tomorrow. Doesn't matter if it's a date, a party, whatever. I don't know what you do need personally so you feel like your personal life isn't being disrupted, but perhaps just telling J that if he can't give X amount of notice, he can expect there's a chance you two aren't available for him to drop in on, would be sufficient.