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Old 07-10-2012, 05:41 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I hoped I didn't come across as critical because I definitely don't mean to be.
Not at all.

Funny thing is, I wouldn't say I'm dissatisfied. For many reasons, this situation suits me very well.
This is what C seems to feel too, except that he seems intent on finding a full time partner as soon as he can find someone he likes, in spite of how well this situation seems to fit his needs.

I make sure I keep my own life and my own friends. I make plans with my own friends...It seems foolish to invest a lot of time and energy building a bridge to nowhere
I don't get the feeling this is his intention. In fact, I asked if the reason he gives me so little time has been to protect his own heart, and he said no, not at all -just that his lifestyle doesn't reflect his priorities, and he wants to work on changing that. I simply think I am no more a priority than his commitment to his band, the travels he is accustomed to doing with his sisters and friends, the festivals and camps and fairs that have become traditions for him -and I don't want to take priority over those things, that make him who he is. In fact, it works out better for my family that he does spend so little time with me. I just don't see how he could fit a "full time" girlfriend into that.

The problem is rarely between him and a 'vanilla' girlfriend (which I very much am), but between a married and single person because there is such an inherent imbalance, because one person's time is full with two or more partners and all the resources and emotional support they bring; while the other person is left half the time at least to live life on their own, to find emotional support elsewhere.
He's been single so much of his life, I think he has a rich support network (4 sisters and at least a dozen friends he has mentioned knowing for a decade or more). As for resources, he quite literally has more money than he knows what to do with. And his time is obviously more filled than mine. I know it's not the same as having someone to lie down next to every night... but on the other hand, I spend most evenings emailing him or chatting online with him a bit before bed, because my husband is hard to engage in end-of-day chit chat.

Again, offering what insight I can from my own experience, I feel much like (I think) C does; I feel I need to go find a full-time partner, quick, now, before I fall in love completely with BF and find myself miserable because I can't be with him, etc.
I wonder if this is true of C. Although he already says he's never felt in love like this before. Cliche, I know. I think he might be right, but I'm starting to wonder if he never allowed himself to fall in love with someone who was available, and he only surrenders to this because he knows it's a dead end. Maybe he has commitment issues.

I very much don't want BF to ever feel disposable. It's not how I regard him. And yet I just feel at this stage that the situation is so inherently flawed, it can't possibly last forever as it currently is, and someone is going to go through a great deal of pain when it ends, quite possibly both of us. I kind of feel like I'm flailing and scrambling to get out of a net that's slowly tightening, and yet it's a net I don't really want to get out of. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to be hurt myself. I just feel that as pleasant and wonderful as it is right now, I don't really see how it can end on a happy note for both of us.
Yes, that's it in a nutshell. Hey, you could be C's primary! Problem solved.
Married to a monogamous man 15 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 3 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L more than 20 yrs
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