VERY difficult situation
I am willing to come out and say that I am poly-curious. I realized it within the last year, and I came out to my boyfriend in saying that I was interested in the idea, just to slip it to him casually. He was not okay with the idea at all.
Boyfriend and I have been best friends since 6th grade, and involved seriously for the past two years. He is my best friend, my rock, and I cannot imagine my life without him. It is impossible.
However, I realized that I do not like the idea of monogamous relationships. I feel like it cannot work for me. I believe that if there is someone I love, I should love them, and get to experience them intimately. Get to know them intellectually, emotionally, and be happy.
So in order to make myself happy, I let a couple of men into my life. The first, J, was an experiment that ended badly. But this new one, Stephen, knows I have a boyfriend, but has never mentioned it. We were really great friends, and one day, it literally just happened that we realized we were crazy about each other.
I will admit it, this is the hard thing: I cheat on my boyfriend. But its the nature of the cheating that made me realize what I was doing- they were not one night stands. they were generally interested people who I cared about deeply, who knew I have a bf, and still wanted to "date" me. and we just never discussed I had a serious boyfriend who would never be okay with this.
Stephen, the one I am actually involved in one now, is very sweet and its been going on for a couple of months, and its not just sex. Its dinner and conversation. It feels so natural and not strange to me, but I don't have the guts to mention it to either of them! Because I love my boyfriend, he is the best thing in the world and is "enough" for me, but this other man is intellectually stimulating and very sweet, and seems okay with this situation. (I feel like he would be a secondary).
Please help me understand myself. I know I am doing so much wrong to the boyfriend, and there is no way he will ever find out. I appreciate him, give him all the attention he needs, I sleep in his bed when I am home (i go to college 2 and a half hours away, Stephen lives in that town). I am a perfect companion to him, except the fact that I do this to him occasionally with one other male.
I do not think of myself as a bad person. I hope I am not and I strive not to be one. I just need to know if this is 'normal'. Opening up a monogamous relationship is not easy. And sadly, I think I would be able to stop seeing anyone else if boyfriend EVER found out because I care about him so much.
Thank you for reading this and for advice. I was referred to this site and was told people help people understand what they are going through.
CurlsOfNoReturn, new to the practice, older in the belief that love should happen when it happens.