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Old 07-09-2012, 05:03 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
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Originally Posted by apophis View Post
We do, however, sometimes enjoy reading near each other at the same time. What this provides in a monogamous relationship is the opportunity to share things as they occur in a way that wouldn't otherwise be possible. Every time either partner reads or experiences something that they find fascinating, the other partner is often nearby and happy to hear about it. Rather than hearing about a number of things in summary later, the opportunity is there to share them a little more in-depth as they occur.
I have done that in the past, too, but it seems to me there is no need for a single partner to be there to hear you. There could be one partner on a computer, one reading, one doing yet another thing, and each saying "hey, guess what?" at relevant times to the other two. I don't think this example requires exclusivity.

As for sharing all of my experiences with one partner, well, the way I see it, there are two ways to share experiences. Actually living them together, or sharing them later with one another.
I am not going to live everything with my partners at the same time. A lot of it already has been lived without them, whether as a child (and shared with my family... and I don't feel I know my brothers less because there are 3 of them, really their interactions and how the related to one another showed important aspects of who they are, too) or later on with other partners, before I was in my current relationship.
I like living things together, and referring to them later, and having private jokes. But I also like telling someone important about something that happened to me, something important and personal that they don't get to know just because they happened to be there at the time, but because I made the conscious decision to share it with them.
Both can be very important, both make my connections grow deeper. I definitely wouldn't want to trade one completely (or mostly) for the other.

Sometimes, splitting up helps experience more. Seamus and I have mostly different tastes in books, but we have found that the stories themselves interest us. It's usually the writing style or the sheer amount of volume that turns us off. We each read on our own, but we tell each other about the story. The kind of stories he reads, I enjoy his retelling of them way more than I would ever enjoy the books. I have tried reading a book he had summed up to me before, it didn't compare to the experience of hearing him tell me about it.
He seems to similarly enjoy when I tell him about what I read.
Yet, our tastes overlap some, and when there are books we have both read, or often I have read the book and he has seen the movie (he works long hours and reads slowly, so it's much more practical for him), we talk about it on another level that is very enjoyable too.

I don't like movie dates much, but Seamus went to one recently. He went to see a movie I wouldn't have been interested in, and that he said sucked. She wanted to see it, he wouldn't have on his own. But when he told me about the most ridiculous parts, and how they made fun of the movie mercilessly after it was over, to me it was a bonding experience, too. It was over something that happened with another partner, but it was bonding for me too, just like I'm sure they bonded in the car on the way back from seeing it over how stupid some of the scenes were.

So, that's more insight into my personal views on this

About raising kids when you're divorced, I believe being divorced, even when in good terms although especially in bad terms, implies more of a dichotomy, a separation. You rarely all live together when it's a divorced family. You rarely all hang out together. There might be a sense for the kid(s) of being split into two, and possibly less sharing of what happened with the other parents, because saying positive things about the other parent might annoy the current one, but the kid doesn't want to say something bad about their own parent, either.
I think even when this isn't something the parents are doing (going against one another), children often feel "in the middle" and might be less likely to share in the same way you might share what you did with another partner, for fear of just creating more drama between the parents.

I do appreciate the analogy though. I think the two analogies (several children vs children in a divorced family) show two different kind of poly, the former a more communal, live-in, co-primary form of poly, the second one a more separated, two-lives, less contact between metamours (or even none except through the hinge) form of poly.
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