View Single Post
Old 07-09-2012, 04:11 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 792

Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
He let me know at the beginning that he is really looking for a full time partner, and we were trying to just enjoy what we have "in the present". However, I am growing more and more emotionally attached, and feeling less and less ok with the fact that he is openly shopping around for an upgrade. (He hasn't been on dates with anyone else, but he keeps looking.)
An upgrade. Ouch. From both points of view, his and yours. I am what would be called on this forum a monogamous secondary. I understand C's position perfectly. He wants a full-time partner. You can't be that. My boyfriend (married, poly) to his credit, understands that he cannot be a full relationship to me, he can't be a husband to me, help me with the house, bills, kids, full-time emotional support, retirement, someone to take home to family, someone to grow old with. He can't be there holding me in bed every night. We had this discussion tonight and it comes down to this: for him, the attached poly partner, it's pretty much ideal. He's always going home to someone, so to speak. Her or me. He's got all of the above (a wife, someone to help with the house and bills, full time emotional support, etc.) I have almost none of it. After our dates, he goes home to bed with her; I go home to bed alone.

For me, I enjoy what I have. I like him. A lot. But he simply cannot be those things to me and he knows it would be wrong to ask me to close off my options to have what almost everyone in this world wants. Because he cares for me, he wants me to have those things.

In his ideal world, he wants to continue his life exactly as it is now, with a wife and me. I think he realizes that I'm really sort of getting the short end of the stick in this vision of us going on forever like this.

He also knows that the chances of me stumbling on a man who wants to continue dating me while I'm seeing another man are slim. Never mind a man who's agreeable to marrying me and continuing this arrangement.

He himself is telling me never to let him stand in my way of finding someone who can be all those things to me.

To say that I'm searching for an 'upgrade' is hurtful to him/you and me/C both. To say 'upgrade' is to suggest that the mono secondary regards the married poly as an old junker and looking for a Porsche. That would be rather cold-hearted. I, personally, think my BF is wonderful, and if he were single, I think I'd easily come to love him. But he isn't single. It's not looking for someone 'better' than him, but someone who is truly, fully available to me.

Yet, he said if I were single he'd "obviously" want to spend all his time with me. He's telling me that because I'm not available (married with kids) he wants to find a different girlfriend, yet he is very unavailable to me.
As gently as seems to me that he told you upfront he wants a full-time partner, which you can never be. You're asking him to invest in something that can never lead to the relationship he wants. Because you have a husband, you are not available to him in the way he wants, either.

I've just given him a choice, or as he sees it, an ultimatum. I either want a shot at being a lasting partner, which means he stops shopping around while we experiment with how much we can give to each other, or I want to know it will never happen, and I will take a couple of emotional steps back. (Either way I've always made it clear that I have no wish to stop him from having additional relationships, since he indicates some poly-flexibility, but I am uncomfortable with his pursuing a replacement relationship.) He's not sure what to do.
Again, speaking from my experience in C's shoes: I long ago realized that to have additional relationships requires looking in the poly community, because nobody else is going to date and marry me while I have a boyfriend. Looking for someone within the poly community drastically reduces options, in addition to requiring me to make a complete change of lifestyle to the poly world. I'm very far from sure I want to do that. C may have indicated some poly-flexibility, but maybe he's not sure he really wants to make that shift to living a poly lifestyle, in addition to realizing it severely limits his options.

He had always stated that extramarital PIV intercourse would spell divorce for us, but just recently proposed that, my body being my own to do what I want with, he might just choose not to have sex with me after I was with someone else -or at least until he felt certain I hadn't contracted any STD's.

I'm wondering if I could ever be enough for him, or if it's just a silly fantasy.
Again...I'm afraid I'm missing something here. But C currently has a relationship with a married woman who can never really be with him, can never own a home with him, can never do most of the things couples do, apparently cannot even have sex with him as of now. And he wants those things. So no, unless you're going to get divorced and be a full-time partner as he's said he wants, you can't be enough for him.

I know that this is a painful position for you to be in, when you care about someone. I know it's becoming steadily more painful for my boyfriend, knowing this most likely can't last between us. But I give him a great deal of credit for understanding that for it to last, he gets to have everything while I get to sacrifice all the things couples normally have and do together. I give him credit that he cares enough about me not to ask or demand that of me.

Last edited by WhatHappened; 07-09-2012 at 04:13 AM.
Reply With Quote