Can a monogamous secondary be satisfied?
I've been running up against a wall lately with my boyfriend C. He's my first real dating relationship within my marriage, and it's been going on a year or so. He let me know at the beginning that he is really looking for a full time partner, and we were trying to just enjoy what we have "in the present". However, I am growing more and more emotionally attached, and feeling less and less ok with the fact that he is openly shopping around for an upgrade. (He hasn't been on dates with anyone else, but he keeps looking.) Recently my husband said he was ok with "coming out" about my polyamory to our friends and family, realizing they could be a source of support to him when we hit tough patches, but C wants to keep things discreet (ok by me) for various reasons including that he doesn't want me to scare off potential girlfriends.
What drives me nuts the most in this situation is that C lives a very busy, very mobile lifestyle. He is often away from home for weeks at a time, traveling around. (All recreational stuff; he is retired.) I am lucky to see him for a few hours a couple of times a month as he passes through town. Only a couple of times this past year, with my urging, has he purposefully scheduled a whole day in my city just to be with me. Most of our times together have been at events we've both decided to attend. Yet, he said if I were single he'd "obviously" want to spend all his time with me. He's telling me that because I'm not available (married with kids) he wants to find a different girlfriend, yet he is very unavailable to me.
I've just given him a choice, or as he sees it, an ultimatum. I either want a shot at being a lasting partner, which means he stops shopping around while we experiment with how much we can give to each other, or I want to know it will never happen, and I will take a couple of emotional steps back. (Either way I've always made it clear that I have no wish to stop him from having additional relationships, since he indicates some poly-flexibility, but I am uncomfortable with his pursuing a replacement relationship.) He's not sure what to do.
We have no idea what future shape our relationship could take, if we committed to letting it grow. My husband has suggested that our marriage might be more open when the kids are grown. He had always stated that extramarital PIV intercourse would spell divorce for us, but just recently proposed that, my body being my own to do what I want with, he might just choose not to have sex with me after I was with someone else -or at least until he felt certain I hadn't contracted any STD's.
C hadn't been with anyone in the year before we met. The reason he broke up with his previous girlfriend after 2 years was because she was too available -she had nothing going on in her life besides him. I see him as a pretty independent person. I'm wondering if I could ever be enough for him, or if it's just a silly fantasy.
Married to a monogamous man 15 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 3 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L more than 20 yrs