Originally Posted by nycindie
It's very couple-centric and quite mono-ish to say that "of course" anyone would be crushed. I would say, instead, that anyone who is that crushed when their partner finds someone else and has a great connection with them simply isn't ready at all for polyamory and needs lots more soul-searching and inner work to do before getting into having multiple relationships. I think some jealousies and other emotional difficulties are natural, but when someone feels so devastated and insecure that they have to blow the whistle on things developing, then more discussions, more shoring up the foundation of their relationship, and more work on self-esteem may be called for before moving forward into poly. IMHO.
And let me just say that I don't hate the girl ('jeni'). Annoyed, yes, but I mean, I don't really hate her. The truth is, I don't know in what spirit she made this decision. As I mentioned earlier, she wouldn't talk to me, even when I called her. She could have made the decision very angrily and bitchily; it's also possible she made it in a very sad, heart-wrenched, I-just-can't way. I do know her a bit, and she's a generally nice person, but I've also heard that she can be bitchy (not insulting her; many women are nice but still tough/bitchy when they need to be).
But anyway, I don't know in what spirit she made the decision. I'm assuming it's somewhere in between hateful/bitchy and completely sad/heart-wrenched. She's actually still a Facebook friend of mine. (We've been Facebook friends at least 8 or 9 months before she was ever even in a relationship with him). Neither of us has 'unfriended' each other. But I make a point of keeping most of my stuff private from her (it's private from some other people too) and her FB existence fairly minimal to my eyes as well, not out of hate, just because it's awkward now. Bad associations at this point.
Anyway, I agree that she's not ready for polyamory. I think what makes it frustrating for me is that she's been bugging him to be polyamorous for their whole relationship (the whole 2 years they've been together). I only just had any notion of polyamory when he contacted me. I just feel like, for a chick who's been mulling over this forever, you would think she'd be more emotionally and mentally prepared to at least work on it. I was prepared to work on it, and it's not even my natural instinct.
Anyway, I don't know. Maybe I'm just a lot more emotionally resilient about these things.