Originally Posted by dingedheart
In what ways.? Doesn't it get very subjective if it's different ways/things being wieghed against another persons list. Was your husband planning to remain mono.....was that factored into your benefit analysis? Like the case here.
Of course it's going to be subjective!
When we met, I had a very active sex drive, my husband has a lower libido, worries about objectifying women, guilt thinking of sex as "fun". He also didn't know how to say "no thank you" so my self esteem took a beating, and it was very confusing to me. I think of sex as a joyful thing that I want to do with him often, and instead it was a source of awkwardness and tension. I was not willing to spend the rest of my life without regular comfortable + positive sexual experiences. If I was able to find this elsewhere it followed it would take some of the pressure off of him, and of course this was what he was reluctant about, the belief that if we started dating again it was because he was failing in some way. I did not start dating until he realized that it did not mean that at all.
On his end, he's, extroverted, loves to socialize, meet new people, & entertain. When we met this was OK because we discussed he'd meet some of those needs elsewhere, I'm introverted and like a good amount of alone time. It turns out his comfort meeting new people is really only via dating, so monogamy = him getting co-dependant and expecting to operate as an "us" socially instead of doing his own things, leading to pressure me and be disappointed when I didn't want to go everywhere he did. His dating has decreased that pressure on me, and he's also found some board game groups he's comfortable going by himself when I am not in the mood to join him.
Originally he was going to be monogamous (at least sexually). I encouraged him to flirt with somebody he was meeting for coffee and he started dating before I did. He agreed he would not become sexually involved with others if he wasn't working actively to get more comfortable with sex, be it counseling, working on his own self esteem, reading all those lovely self help books, making himself ask me to cuddle or make out, etc. It was going well but he started slacking on that stuff and it became an issue again, so he chose to stop dating earlier this year, and refocus on those things (both relationships he was in stopped short of intercourse). So mono-poly was factored in my benefit analysis, the depression of having sex be such a negative thing when it should be a positive thing meant staying monogamous was leading to a slow death of our relationship, no matter how great everything else was.