I am so angry, sad and hurt. We cried and argued for hours last night. I think he feels that while he broke a rule, I also broke a rule albeit an unwritten one. Engaging in BDSM sex and coming home bruised.
At some point it felt like our hurts were competing or something.
Don't blame ya for being upset.
1) He lied by omission. (Witholding information. 3 times? C'mon!)
2) He failed to hold his responsibility of stating his wants, needs and limits to you on the BDSM stuff. You did not break any rule -- if it was unspoken it's on him to own it because it was not a rule. You are not a mind reader. So bringing this up just to minimize his discomfort with #1 is lame. Why throw you under the emotional bus?
3) Now he wants to turn it into the couple pissing contest. "I did that but YOU did..." Two wrongs do not make a right, esp when you were not in the wrong on #2. OR worse, if he brought up ancient past mistakes, he's not forgiving and letting go. He's throwing you under the emotional bus distracting from TODAY's issue. His lies of omission.
Basically he had hard stuff to articulate and wanted you to do all the work via mind reader-ing.
- Expects you to mind reader his faux pas, so he doesn't have to do the hard work of owning and fessing up.
- Expects you to mind reader his unspoken wants, needs, limits so he doesn't have to to the hard work of thinking things out.
- Expects you to mindreader his need for nurture/support because he feels bad and solve his discomforts. But he brings it down on his own unthinking head by not sticking to your rules & responsibilities in the first place.
I'm not crazy about "breaking unspoken rules" because that's not holding up all the sticks. I'm no mind reader. People have to carry their OWN responsibility
of articulating their wants, needs, limits. I have the right to clear communication!
Turning things into a tit-for-tat pissing contest thing is lame. Are bygones bygones or NOT? Again -- clear communication. Because if you forgive and let go you really let it go.
It's not fair to bring up old hurts that were supposedly processed to reinjure your partner with. That's hitting low. How is this holding up the right to nurture?
It's really being emotionally selfish -- not liking the uncomfortable you bring down on your own head and trying to pass the bag on to your partner to hold for you. Instead of holding your own bag. Thhhpt.
I've never felt he betrayed me, ever before. How do I regain that trust?
He's got to hold his own emotional bags. The unsafe sex is one thing -- not caring for his own and your physical safety.
The other (and maybe larger) prob is not caring for his and your emotional safety well.
It's like you got a double whammy. He's
complaining about feeling disconnected -- well what's he doing to create connection? Breaking safe sex rules and not holding up his responsibility to care for his own and your physical safety. Then he waits this long to own THAT mistake and it comes with emotional namby pamby and avoidy blame shifty -- this is holding up his responsibility to care for his and your own emotional safety how?
I do not know your polyship rules and responsibilities. You kinda have to decide is this is dealbreaker territory yet or not based on your polyship rules. I can't say if you are willing to open yourself to another try here not not. If you ARE?
A willingness to forgive and really let it GO. Because if no forgive, then no amount of time will solve it. Because if is not let go for real, it never will be, and great... will keep popping up every time there's another conflict.
If forgiveness is truly given and accepted, then a make amends time has to happen. Sounds like you guys are working on that with new rules.
Then it's just the waiting out to see time pass and the new rules actually upheld.
Life is life. People make bad judgement calls, honest mistakes, etc. That's why in my world, I'm willing for 3 strikes you are out on the SAME issue. If there is honest effort, I can accept it takes time to own it, learn a new skill, etc. But over and over on the same darn thing? Esp emotional namby pamby pass the buck avoidy stuff? Best I make a clean break. I can't be in relationship with someone who will not play ball seriously. Poly cannot work without good, honest communication.
Hopefully you guys can learn to trust again and keep moving it forward if this is what you both wish.