That's cool that you are working on the abandonment issues. I hope you are working on the self esteem too and working on BEING OK wanting what you want from life. And BEING OK if that doesn't always line up with other people's wants.
Life is totally fair -- we all get one life to lead. Our OWN. I know several people who want to be childfree and are -- you don't HAVE to have kids.
I need to have a healthy relationship with myself before I can have a healthy relationship with another person...but I still feel like I want and need the love and security of a relationship. I feel off-center otherwise...like a vagabond, without a home. Lost. So for me, love is both the poison and the cure...
I have to go with nycindie. And I agree with the first part. A healthy rship with yourself first.
But you really don't need a relationship to define
you. Wanting to be in one is fine. You even have a BF already!
But I do not agree with the idea that it is the "cure." If anything if you are not secure in yourself you are going to be all "ACK!" in relationship. Every little bump that comes along shaking down your whole inner world and self worth. And that's just in mono -- never mind the complex polymath.
Your self-esteem seems based on the outside of you. External factors -- what other people think, what other people want, what you perceive "society" thinks of you. You are tangling up social reputation with self esteem there a bit.
You are too fluid. Like water going all over the place with no shape. Why is your self esteem not based from the inside? Where you are the internal authority of your inner world and your saying to yourself that you are good enough makes you good enough? We ALL have our special skills and talents, our strengths and weaknesses. Good self esteem accepts that -- "hey! I have these good areas and strengths, and in these areas I'm weak. I still have something to offer! "
If you do not know how to validate your own self NO amount of external validation will be enough. You'll feel the temporary feel-good hit, and then want another. If you keep pushing partner to be your filler-upper with the feel good hits, you become uber clingy/suffocating. Like a black hole that he can never fill up. And it is true. He cannot. Because only you can plug the leak inside you and heal your self esteem by changing your negative thought patterns.
Keep trying on that. Even water can firm up a bit and be ice with a shape on its own and not needing any outside container to define it. Don't feed the bad wolf.
Think about moving yourself up higher on the emotional guidance scale. You sound like you hang out in black and deep purple and red.
Here it is in spiral model.
THAT is what centers you -- how you talk to yourself inside you and whether or not you keep your thoughts in good order. To come in at middle contentment -- at about a 7. Good enough happiness most of the time is passing grade. 70% is a C in school -- that passing average and there is NOTHING wrong with that! Most of the time, you can spiral up to a little better. But if most of the time you are content, and sometimes extra happy, then life feels pretty satisfying.
NOBODY can expect A+ perfection at all times! That's not realistic.
My Dad suffers from bad self esteem and other issues and he goes to group. I don't know if there's a chapter near you but in case there is...