YOU WROTE: How do I *know* I'm not just saying it because it's convenient (ie, I don't want to hurt someone?)
I WROTE: Does not compute to me. What are you trying to avoid and why?
Now this makes more sense to me when you gave more details.
This may be hard to hear. And I could totally be in the wrong ballpark. I apologize in advance.
But I think you are wondering if you are "just saying you are poly because it is more convinient" because saying you are poly is easier than facing some hard truths.
You are not worried about hurting anyone. You are being hurt. You are a hurting person right now. You do not want to endure MORE hurt on you. I am so sorry. :hug:
Are you feeling like a "slut" because you are putting out for your husband even though there's no real desire there? And perhaps falling out of love with him because of the way he treats you? Selfish, all about him and his needs, etc?
But then he's the "husband" slot in your world so you feel like you "owe" it to him because he's "allowing" you to have a BF? Who fulfills you in ways husband doesn't, so there's some guilt going on there? Because something must be "wrong" with you?
I really don't see this as a poly problem if all the above is true. This is a marriage problem, a basic problem in terms of how respectfully you are treated and sex is one the arenas this plays out in.
He's adorable, he's caring...however, I find him *extremely* selfish.
"Selfish" does not equal "caring" in my book.
He may very well be good looking. But he may very well also only be "caring" to the point where it serves his needs to get things from you. Past that who gives a damn about you and your needs? That's called being a USER. Not
being a caring person.
You are not
a machine that dispenses sex whenever he feels like it. There are basic rights and responsibilities
in relationship. He does not sound like he holds up all his sticks -- esp in the listening to your wants, needs. Right to nurture/support etc. If it's all about him, what is there for you? No wonder you feel like crap! You are being treated like crap.
This is a serious red flag to me because it could even be a bigger abuse problem.
So I'm going to throw it out there. I'm not saying you are in an abusive relationship. Only you are over there to know what is what. I'm just some internet stranger.
But consider giving it a gander to see if there's any other red flags. Section 13 covers the sex angle.
The main page is http://speakoutloud.net/
And if it turns out you are being abused, the leaving time is the most dangerous time
-- so I don't blame you one bit for feeling turned inside out and upset. If you are being hurt, but not sure what process stage you are in, search at Speak Out Loud for "stages" -- towards the bottom you will see articles for stages 1-5. It also gives tips for how to support a woman in whatever stage -- maybe BF can read that.
I sincerely hope you move to a better place in all this. You sound pained.
I feel like I'm the most vile individual that's ever walked the planet and would rather just walk into the ocean and see how far I get before I meet my Creator......
This serious red flags to me. If you are feeling suicidal, please call your emergency 911 type line or google your nearest suicide hotline. Or just walk into any hospital emergency room and check yourself in -- have BF take you!
All people have worth and dignity -- you are a valuable person, even if you are being treated poorly. You have worth, dignity and value.
Please hold that up to yourself and take care of YOU.