Originally Posted by Anneintherain
Any chance he can look for somebody to date who is where his job is? If it's OK for him to have overnights at some point, that might be sensible, he could get right to a meeting/date after work.
In theory-yes and yes.
I have no issue with him have overnights. He has an issue with it, because he has an issue with ME having overnights.
As for finding someone who lived in the town he works in, that would be a great idea-and I think it would be awesome, but it would require him to GO SOCIALIZE there, outside of work to meet people-which again, he won't do because he can't see the point in "going out alone" and missing out on the family stuff. So, unless there already is someone, he won't do it.
Originally Posted by dingedheart
What are his hobbies, outside interests ? How much time and energy are directed at those activities.
Fishing/hunting/video games. That's it. Literally. He likes to use his 4 wheeler too-but he only does it for hunting. He quite literally is NOT a social person-which is one of the biggest blockades for him (the next part coming is the other). He wants another relationship-but he doens't enjoy that which makes meeting people POSSIBLE (socializing in group situations).
Originally Posted by nycindie
Ahh, LR. I bolded what I think is the real nugget of the issue for Maca, which I think needs to be addressed more than anything. After all these years, with GG living with you and proving himself a stand-up guy, with all the ups and downs you all have gone through, Maca still feels insecure and thinks GG is usurping his position? Wasn't he trying to deal with this in therapy for a while or something?
I personally don't see anything wrong with wanting relationships to get sexual fast, but I think it is the insecurity about his place in your life, and the family, that adds a frenzied, fucked-up need to push things TOO quickly within the very real parameters of his home life, just to assuage his uncomfortable feelings. Even though we may like a fast pace, having patience and sitting with feelings of disappointment, insecurity, and all the crap we start to believe when we are comparing ourselves to others can be a great teacher in and of itself. It's like something I've often said to people who want to know how they can pursue a crush they have for someone they work with, which will get them in all sorts of trouble, and I tell them to just enjoy the crush and not take action. Just because we want to doesn't mean that is best for us, and we can learn a lot from the wanting.
It also sounds like there is an element of keeping score in Maca's thinking. Like, perhaps a major driving force in his wanting a girlfriend is just because you have GG and he feels that is unfair in some way. But imagine how the potential girlfriend feels at the receiving end of that kind of energy. "Oh, I'm just a prize you feel you've won? Buh-bye."
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
I've said-at one time or another pretty much every word of your post Nyc. It's annoying for me-cause as I said-I can see some very basic solutions. But, they only work if he deals with those insecurities and makes some basic changes about his approach.
His priorities are contradictory. You know?
In and of themselves there isn't anything wrong with any of them.
Like sex, I used to go for sex fast. But, now I have a family and for me, it's most important that people in my life can function with the REALITY of my life and what it means to me. So-I don't do that anymore.
Besides, when I did-the relationships tended to be about just sex and they ended fairly quickly. Which at this point in my life would be a pain in the ass with school, kids, husband, boyfriend. I don't have time for unnecessary drama.
He has the privilege/freedom to have sex-focused relationships. I just don't want to bother befriending them.
He has the privilege/freedom of dating any day he wants. But, he has to be willing to give up time with me and the kids.
He has the privilege/freedom of overnights. But, he has to accept me having overnights.
Really, it's his own insecurities and fears that drive him down a road of "destruction or nothing" options.
He has to deal with it himself. THere's nothing left for me to do.... I know that.
But, its still hard to watch.
He still struggles with insecurities that the kids and/or I will love GG more if he isnt here and YES he was in therapy for that issue-but he stopped going.