Performed poetry and music at a gig last night. Sago said my singing has really improved, and he enjoyed the songs more than the poems! I have been performing poetry (not really 'spoken word' / slam poetry style, but still a performative style) for a while but only recently singing my own songs in public. Was a boost.
Ayla came to the gig too. We drank a bit of wine and then I went with her to an electronica party (my first). I had lulls of boredom with the music, which happens I guess when you're dancing to similar rhythms for hours
Maybe it's different if you're high, which I wasn't. It was an indoors party. I think I'd like outdoors ones better, too.
Ayla spent a bit of time texting Patch and this other guy she's recently hooked up with. I didn't feel jealous, and I know if I told her this was bothering me, she'd stop. I love her communication style, it's quite similar to mine (doing your best not to hurt people, but also taking people at their face value). She was trying to figure what to do with the rest of her night, after the party. She said she'd either be heading to Patch's or this other guy's.
We made out a bit at the party, including (at my whim) behind one of the curtains. One of the club's security rumbled over and told us off! Apparently we looked suspicious like we were up to mischief, and this is a bad look. Hehe. Many hours later, I walked past the curtains again and there were people making out behind each one so I felt in good company.
At one point, Ayla said that Patch was coming over to the party too. When he turned up, I said hi... but felt really awkward. I felt like giving them space. I had told this to Ayla earlier, that I'm not sure how to navigate those dynamics right now.
She said "is it because you want to jump his bones?"
And I said, actually it's not. It's because I feel a connection with him that (if there were no restrictions) could grow a particular way. I guess I just recognise an attraction and possibility on that level. But it's not a possibility that I need
to explore. And Ayla being uncomfortable with that (and also Carob) means that I'm not going to go there. I'm happy just chilling out.
However, since she's been back, she's been processing a lot of her relationship with Patch. Also I think processing her jealousy around the idea of Patch & I possibly hooking up. I feel like she's grown my feelings for Patch into this drive which she's holding me back from (in fact she isn't). I've been finding it hard to express my actual position, which is - haha, I guess I don't know what that is!
Obviously I need to tease that out for myself.
I like Patch and Ayla, they are really good people. I love that they are in my life and I care a lot about them.
At the moment, I feel like there's internal dynamics between the two of them which I want to keep my distance from. They've had a history, and I feel them in a really good place to forgive each other for ways they hurt each other when they were dating way back when. As I mentioned earlier in my blog, they'd dated for many years. For a while after the break, they weren't friends... but now they're getting to be close again. It's beautiful to watch, but I suppose in a state of flux. Maybe it's the first time since the break-up where they've been on good terms, and also open to emotional / physical intimacy.
With this going on between them, I don't feel like inserting myself in a deep way. Definitely not keen to feed or voice desires. Needs, yes. But desires, no. When I catch up with them individually, I find it easier to speak plainly and chill out. But both at once? I feel like I'm falling into the clockwork (in a bad way). Maybe catching up the three of us for a frank chat on point would adjust things. But, not sure whether making time for that makes it more of an issue. It's not like "we need to talk". It's more "we could talk, and that could make things clearer, and the immediate future more fruitful."
Once Patch got to the party, I said hi and had a bit of a cuddle and then I moved away from them and danced in a different spot. When I looked for them later, I couldn't find them. Went for a long walk (intended to walk home, actually, but 20 mins into the walk - and it's freakin cold these days! - realised I was walking in the wrong direction. So walked back) then went to check in on the party again. A mutual friend at the door said that Patch and Ayla had headed off. Ah well.
I felt a twinge, actually a quick flame, of anger towards them. They had left at some point earlier without checking in on me. Ayla knew it was my first time at a party like this, and also that I didn't have a cellphone. I had told her, if she's catching up with Patch, I'd be keen to hang with them for a bit (if that would be cool), and then when they'd like space I'd cruise home. Maybe they tried to find me but couldn't (though I was on the dance floor the whole time, which wasn't that big).
I know I'm a big girl and they knew I'd figure things out and be okay. I figured they were together so I didn't have to worry about them. I'm quite okay with being independent... I guess I just felt the switch (Ayla hanging out with me, to Ayla hanging out with Patch). To some extent I did it to myself by assuming they'd want space from me, distancing myself at the dance.
I suppose I'm not sure how much I want to make an effort to navigate this shit. Obviously will tend to anything that's affecting our friendships... but beyond that? Hmm. My thoughts last night (walking by myself) were that Patch & Ayla's dynamics didn't feel a safe place for me to be vulnerable in. It's strange cos they are very caring people. I think it's just a function of their own explorations at the moment, that together they're trees in the wind, rather than unmoving branches. No can climb. (Maybe I can be a windy tree alongside though! Ha)
Ayla stayed over last night with Patch. I couldn't sleep long, danced too hard. Chilling out in Ayla's bed (sofa bed in the lounge) while Sago sleeps in. He had a good night himself - was awake watching Alien movies when I got home at 4am! So cute.