That's good you own that. But are you able to work on your abandonment issues? It's not going to help future relationships if you come across as uber clingy.
It also hurts when I love someone and I can't express my feelings towards them, because I feel like I'm lying to myself.
This baffles me -- how a
re you lying to yourself?
Emotion just is. Wind is, rain is. It burbles up. We do not get to choose -- we feel what we feel when we feel it.
But we do get to choose how we respond.
That isn't lying to yourself. That's choosing to REACT to emotion or choosing to ACT with intention depending on the situation and what is best called for.
And as for the living together thing...I don't know, it has more to do with me not wanting to feel like I have to take time away from one of them to be with the other. [snip] I'm also scared that I'd resent the child for all the time it would take away from me.
I don't see how maintaining a schedule is taking time away from anyone. Does my going to work "take time away" from my loved ones because I'm at work?
You are right in that children demand a lot of attention and time. We find it easier to just be closed in the parenting stage of life. Volunteering with kids to babysit or in church nurseries is how we did the "the try before you buy" thing when we were decided whether or not to have more. We did it for a year and then said "Thanks! That was fun!" and decided we did NOT want more children to have to keep track of.
Lots of years ago I had promised I'd always be there for him, and I'd never forgive myself if something bad happened to him and I never even tried.
You sounded like you were shooting for a romance there going after the ex again. Not going for supportive friendship.
Are you good at keeping the emotional boundaries?
Between the abandonment issues and then not really know for sure what you want in terms of your rship wants, needs, limits and then sounding kinda blurry there with exes as friends and exes not being so ex any more...
Sounds messy for you right now.