Thread: Time: The Enemy
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Old 07-06-2012, 12:32 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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The issue (as I see it);

is that Maca really wants a relationship.
But, he doesn't like to take the time away from us to go meet people.

So, for example, with the last one, they met online (actually he met all of them online).
They talked for a few months-then met in person.
But, as soon as they met in person, they were ready to start hanging out daily, making out and wanting to take it to a full sexual relationship as well as doing joint family activities.

However, neither GG or I was remotely ready to start spending all of our family time with this new lady and her kid-we didn't know a thing about them. I went over to her place a couple times (it was awkward anytime Maca was there). We met a few times in public with Maca as well. Again, anytime he was present, it was awkward.

The primary awkwardness was because they were much more intimate than she and I. I don't mean sexually here, there's no interest in a combined lover. I just mean level of depth in conversations, comfort-ability etc. They'd been talking for months-I didn't know a thing about her.

To exacerbate the issue, while GG and I are both much more socially outgoing than Maca; we both are slower to open up. Maca will meet a person he chooses to say more than "hello" to, a couple times a year. GG and I talk to anyone. But, as soon as it goes past hello, Maca is engaged in a serious relationship. Whereas for GG and I both-it takes months of talking and socializing with someone before we consider them a FRIEND.

Maca feels like I'm pulling a double standard, because I have GG already, so there is no "need to date" or "get to know anyone". Plus, I have always had a rule, that a person has to become a friend before I will even CONSIDER dating them. Before I consider dating them, they already know my whole family well. (I have known Maca for 24 years, we've been a couple for 14 & I've known GG 19 years and we've been together functionally for roughly 9 years).

FOR ME if I were considering a new lover, it would be someone who was already a friend of the family and every date would be a family oriented activity until we got to romantic interludes and those would be scheduled as time permitted. Which is much how it works with GG. We live together, but our "alone" times are rare. We almost ALWAYS have the kids with us when we go out. Which is fine. We both like it that way.

But-Maca isn't that way. He doesn't see how he can do that because for him once a person is a friend-they aren't a potential lover. So that means, meeting them outside of the family and getting to know them away from the family and dating them away from the family. THEN on top of that, he see's sex as part of the "deciding if we can be a couple" criteria.

For me, sex is a long way down the road after we've committed for life.

But, for him, that means he wants to be able to "explore sexually" to decide if there is a connection.

All of this comes to a head, because he's wanting to explore sexually with people he hasn't spent much time with-because time simply isn't available-and then it turns out that they've shared this sexual intimacy before there was time to establish that there was any compatibility with OUR LIFE and THEIR LIFE. (so far, every time it's proven completely INCOMPATIBLE).

This makes me more leery of meeting them. I don't give a rip if he wants to go find a play partner and make a regular date to go see them. But, I don't want any part of it.

THUS he feels like he's screwed because he can't get to the point of finding and building a long term relationship without losing significant time with the family.
He's prefer that he be free to take the kids (especially the little one) to hang out (which is what he did with the last lady-as her daughter was the same age) and socialize in a family setting, so he can build the relationship without giving up the time.
That would be FINE if the relationship being built were going at the pace of all those participating in the activities (ie you're building a friendship if anyone there is still GETTING TO KNOW them-not a romance, which is after everyone is comfortable).
But, when they're rushing headlong into lust and NRE before they have time to get to know the operations of family relationships-it's destructive for anyone else (especially the 5 year old) to be around. Because, the perception of seeing daddy kissing this woman, is that she's part of our family. But, if that person is actually just someone he's "testing out if there is a connection" then she's gone a few weeks later.. the 5 year old is left baffled, confused and pissed off (she's quite tempermental).

It's been a 18months since the second woman and she was only around a handful of days. The 5 year old STILL asks about her in tears because she doesn't understand why she didn't come back to play.
As the one at home with the kids all day-it's FUCKING EXHAUSTING to try to repeatedly explain to her that these "good friends" are really just acquaintances (a word she has no comprehension of anyway).

BUT-even though my TOP priority is my kids and thus I set my foot down. I still feel sympathetic to Maca's plight.
The "solution" would be easy if I were in his shoes. But, I'm a different person than he is and I can't see a solution at all for the situation he's in-with his personality and preferences combined with the existing responsibilities.

In my opinion-dating when you already have a family (whether just a child or another partner doesn't matter) has to be done wholly differently than if you are a single person with no kids.

His methodology of dating works if you are single with no kids.
But, it doesn't work with kids or with other partners.

I had my oldest at 16, so I never really got the chance to "date" as a single person with no kids. Thus, my ideas of dating always have taken into account the child's needs. That makes it a bit easier to consider the other partners. I always did have to go a bit slower in order to be sure I wasn't dragging someone into my daughters life who was only going to disappear shortly thereafter.
In fact my 3exes all keep close contact with my daughter today (she's 20) even though the last of those relationships for me ended 14 years ago. Because I was careful about not introducing anyone that wasn't committed to their relationship and impact upon HER regardless of their dating relationship with ME.
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