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Old 07-05-2012, 11:17 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467

I think this is wonderful!

I've been poly for 16 months. A while ago, I was in a mono/poly relationship for a time too.

I'm definitely no seasoned expert - hahaha... I'm a baby too! But everything you're saying here is how we're trying to operate 16 months down the road.

In the beginning, we just had the general notion of "our hearts are limitless" "love and be free"... and not a lot else.. hahaha.. We also hated the thought of guidelines and restrictions... that got us into trouble fast. It's great that you've got yours down.

The four main things that poly is about for me are:
  • am I capable of being with others, whilst still maintaining my love for my primary?
  • am I emotionally capable of nurturing my primary whilst I am active with others?
  • am I aware of my own polysaturation point? can I balance effectively?
  • am I capable of dealing with my own insecurity whilst my partner is active?

We have our own guidelines too. Things like: we prefer to meet our primary's secondaries before they have sex. Pick secondaries who are good with poly and respectful. Safe sex is a must, as is testing. Ideally no sex on first date.

You definitely sound like you're up for a lot of communicating! That's great!

Some random things I've learnt, if these help you:

> decide together - one person ready to start dating? it's nice to ask if everyone else is ready for it
> be flexible - decide whether your extra poly activities are *needed* or *wanted*. If they're just wanted, can you wait a bit if your other lovers need extra time?
> damage limitation - it's important to nurture before poly activity happens, rather than just afterwards
> will you have a veto rule? if you don't like a partner of your partner, will that be a problem?
> timeline - dating can proceed to action fast! especially at first! what are your guidelines? will you all want to meet each other before sex happens? how will you want to be told the first time they sleep together?
> progress - if one year from now, one lover is still feeling more jealousy than other, try not to judge them. For us, jealousy isn't something that disappears with time - it just becomes something that becomes easier for us all to understand.
> polysaturation - how much can you manage before you hit your limit? how much can your other partners handle?

Poly is wonderful, but be ready for unique stress, mistakes, forgotten guidelines, hiccups and grey areas! All of these help you to learn what works. It's really difficult to know until it happens.

If you are the hinge in your V (i.e. you have two lovers that aren't romantically involved with each other) you may find it challenging at times to deal with two sets of emotions. So always make time for yourself, as well as your lovers and family

Poly is a very fun adventure and all kinds of surprises pop up!

Have fun!
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