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Old 07-05-2012, 02:15 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
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Originally Posted by turtleHeart View Post
I guess this is different for everyone.

My wife and I make it clear to everyone we relate to that anything known to one of us can be known to both, meaning we can know all the details of our other relationships, but as we've gotten more used to dating other people we haven't felt as much of a need to hear every detail (it would be too time consuming), even though we still can. It's not something we do out of distrust, more that we simply like knowing what we're each experiencing.

We are very "couple-centric", and don't want that to change. There are things the two of us will only share with each other. Anyone that dates us needs to be ok with that. If someone just liked one of us and didn't really want to know the other, that would be the end of the new relationship. As a result, anyone we do end up dating tends to get along well with both of us and we all hang out together fairly often, including for holidays.
But what you're writing about sounds a little different from:
Originally Posted by Hudson View Post
. . . literally every text message, chat, phone call and interaction is what I'm being asked to divulge . . .
Turtleheart, are you and your wife sharing every single sexual detail, and all emails and texts with each other? It's one thing to share the whole gestalt of an experience with a partner; it's quite another to invade or abuse another partner's privacy in order to see and hear in black and white exactness every little thing that goes on. EVERY relationship deserves respect and its own special, private moments, it should never be all about the couple at the center of their universe, lording their primary status over anyone else with whom they are involved. As Hudson further wrote:
Originally Posted by Hudson View Post
. . . a violation of the secondary relationship I was beginning. How can it be a relationship if there is nothing shared in confidence?

Originally Posted by LittleMissMuffit View Post
i have been wondering similar things.. my understanding is that my SO shares as much detail with his priomary as she wants (i don't think i ever really got a say in that) . . .
And why didn't you get a say? See, single people need their own rules and boundaries, too. You have a voice and should always ask for what you want and say no to what makes you uncomfortable. It's your life, your relatiosnhips. You're not there solely to enhance or augment their "Holy Dyad" -- your relationships should be satisfying and fulfilling to you, and you get to ask for things on your terms, too. That is where negotiations and compromises begin. It should never be totally up to the already established couple to dictate to the "third." If that's their style, and they won't budge, you still have a choice - to accept it or walk away. But can you be happy with relationships built only upon someone else's terms and without anything on your terms?
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