thanks all, your responses have given me a lot of food for thought.
CielduMatin, yes like you I do think that its a difference in wiring... either the sexual stuff bothers you or the emotional stuff. It's just hard to wrap my head around the things that are bothering him (and its equally hard for him to do the same for me). Yesterday we had a long talk where he voiced some his more hidden fears and anxieties which again confirmed for me that communicationcommunication and then some more communication really is the solution for many problems
sparklepop thanks for your detailed description of fears and triggers.
My husbands trigger definitely was the bruising, the physical evidence of sex that is very different from the sex we share. He felt lonely and left out and felt like he did not understand me anymore.
So far, we haven't discussed what would happen if my lover wants to see me again (we don't see each other often so this could maybe be a couple of weeks before it comes up). I think I won't discuss it before its actually there, and then we'll discuss my husbands boundaries (see my lover yes or no, have only vanilla sex, BDSM yes or no, no sex at all, etc)
I can be unpatient sometimes when it comes to these things but I think it will be much better to give him some time to process... he might feel differently about it all in a couple of weeks.
For myself, I know I could give up the BDSM stuff with my lover.. but I would have problems giving him up altogether, ie if my husband vetoed him completely. I don't think he will though.. we'll see.
dingedheart.. yes he felt weak because he was so jealous. He doesn't like feeling jealous and insecure and sees it as a sign of weakness.
Aurelie - yes I thought of your thread when I posted mine! There are more similarities... liek your BF, my husband can not only be very jealous of sexual acts, he can also be turned on by them. In fact his very first response to my BDSM stories from this weekend were... being slightly turned on. Our whole open relationship started with him wanting to watch me have sex with other men. It's very much a personal boundary he likes to push. But when he saw my bruised ass, something flipped for him and he wasn't turned on, just angry and sad and jealous.