thank you for your responses to my post...
to answer km34..
my understanding on why he doesn't want me to date is that he feels like living in such a small place means seeing this person and constantly being forced to work through issues he has between us. it doesn't make sense to me because I honestly thought he would be happy for me (oand or the other person) i am fairly taken aback. i have been encouraged by him to read a lot of books on poly and open relationships and we have had many conversations around compersion. when we talk it always goes around in this circle of me not really feeling like im any closer to understanding why it is so hard for him. i asked if it would be easier if he didn't love me as much as he did and he said yes. also his partner is in a relationship with someone from their town and he already finds it challenging and triggering at times. we live about 45 minute drive from each other and i don't have a car so it makes it a challenge for sure. i also have children which further complicates things in terms of finding time together alone. this other guy is involved in some community things with my boyfriend but they are not friends per say.. i can partly understand how it would feel for him, but it also frustrates me that i have this rule set out for me that i had no part in making. he did however this evening say i could be friends with this person and that would be ok.. but my feeling is if we spend much time together it is going to be hard to just maintain a friendship.
i do think that his reasons are valid, but i also think my reasons for wanting to explore this is valid as well..
we have talked about the structure of relationships and how his and his partners are and that we need to create and agree on our own structure, so we are going to work on that. its just hard for me to feel like its a balanced thing when he has a at home partner and im on my own with children and lonesome at times and really wanting to have more time with him but his life is busy and he says he gives me all he can. so i feel like this is an opportunity to have some of those needs met.