View Single Post
Old 07-05-2012, 01:45 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 825

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
My take was he didn't get it when told or warned. .... Didnt really get it until the other guy showed up ....hence why she listed it as a benefit. You don't see this as a reaction to the situation and or competition ?

Anne, have you read there story? This didn't start for them from some mutual erotic discussion.

My point was he might not list those things as a benefit. However......he very well might...

You outright stated he sees it as a constant competition, and I don't see that new poly issues/rivalry issues between her partners Y and E = constant competition. Some competitive moments yes, some stress in a friendship when the dynamic has changed, yes. She mentioned in another thread that they were having issues with each other before she became involved with the other one, so poly may just be a small part of why there is rivalry.

(Yes I read their story but really, I have trouble keeping peoples stories all in my head since most people are faceless and use initials to describe partners, I can't remember them in detail and don't always re-read the thread/s from the beginning when I respond. - truth is I read from the last page backwards often, so when I responded earlier I was just responding to the title - how did you approach your SO about poly, since it was started a week ago and I didn't remember everything it was about at the time)

But yes, in a perfect world, him not taking her for granted anymore SHOULD make him happy because it makes her happier and people should make an effort and not just when they think they might lose something. Nobody said he had to start paying more attention to her, and of course it's possible part of it's from a sense of feeling threatened instead of a re-awakened sense of just how amazing his wife was, but I think people should wake up and not take their partners for granted (see my sig! )

Their marriage does have a lot of issues, but I think it's great her husband is opening up and trying to be more present in their relationship. In another post it was suggested she was moving too fast, and I don't disagree with this. Nevertheless I think even if things don't work for them for some reason, at least one of the parties will be more awake and aware and make sure their tending to their relationships better in the future.

But I suppose to sum up an answer to the OP, I don't think your husband benefits as much as you do, unless he chooses to perceive it that way, and there isn't a way to get him into see things another way no matter how much happier you think he is, or should be, or how much more free time he'll have to play video games without you sitting around the house depressed because he isn't interested in interacting or making love while you're with E.

The best bet is for an objective party such as a counselor to talk with him that might make him see things differently if he is open to it, or perhaps some wise advice from another mono person involved in a mono-poly relationships. My advice to get you husband more on board is to slow down, if E is really Y's friend and you're interested in all three of you being happy and Y seeing the benefits, maybe it's worth it to both of you to take your time for him. In fact it probably certainly is, so stuff that NRE in a box for a bit and be as present for Y as you want him to be for you.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote