I think W was most upset with himself about all of this. We had a huge discussion about it over last weekend and he admitted that he was acting out of his own fears and insecurities when he suggested I find a sex partner. I had told him I could wait for him.
Now, he already knew of my interest in the first man I slept with; he encouraged me to have sex with him to sort of ''get it out of the way" because he didn't want me always wondering what it would be like to have sex with him; after all, we'd danced around it for four years, always flirting, hugging, teasing, but never acting on it.
W thought this man would be safe for me, but he realized that it wouldn't work because of my guilt attached to his being married. He also lives about an hour and a half away so it's difficult to get to spend any time with him even on a platonic level.
W is now kicking himself because he knowingly ignored my needs and tried to 'force' his agenda on me. He says he wasn't trying to force anything but I still don't think I would have acted on anything if he hadn't been so insistent. I know I will always love this other man, and now I do love A. Would I have acted on my feelings? I'm not sure. I guess I feel less guilt because I did talk to W about it first so that is good, right?
There's no way to know for sure what I would have done otherwise. I know I am wired to fall in love. I love being in love. I love being loved. It feels powerful and amazing and incredible. Yet I still feel unworthy of it and I don't get why men fall for me the way that I do. W has tried to explain it. Maybe someday I'll get it. I'm working on it.
I am learning more about poly and what it means. Hopefully when W gets home we'll be able to sit down and talk about all of this and what it means for the future. I don't think my being poly means we can't be together. I've just got to find a way to quell the panic in him.
Did I do ok with the white space?