Thank you for all the replies so far.
I definitely agree that there are two sides to every story. So I'll try to offer a little of hers.
She had a wild time in her twenties. Slept with about 60 people, friends of boyfriends, boyfriends of friends, was a little self-destructive. She'd been in to BDSM and had a couple of sub boys.
We married and were vanilla and monogamous. I didn't know anything about her BDSM until years into the marriage.
We went through financial difficulties and yes - she experience post-p depression after the birth of our daughter, who is now 3.
When we first became poly two years ago, she went wild. She didn't have sex with anyone, but did the typical things like lots of online partners who she spent all day and night with, an escape from the home life, and kissing random guys in front of me when we went out.
Her GF came along and was a good, calming influence. Her GF seems to teach her that there is a balance between being free and being a considerate poly person.
She definitely has BDSM needs that neither of us can fill. Her GF switches from time to time to help her out. They always have kinky sex, even when neither takes control. My wife won't switch for her. I'm still figuring out what I am.
I have overheard my wife tell her GF that she is the best lover she's ever had. They seem to have amazing sex. However, my wife struggled to come to terms with being bisexual and this sometimes effects their sex life.
It's definitely true that my wife is wanting to break away from the, as she calls it, 11 years of oppressive marriage. I have OCD and have smothered her in the past. I'm in therapy and have made a lot of progress.
She definitely needs to go out, get away from the house, our child, our marriage and feed her BDSM needs. I am no saint - I can be difficult to live with.
Maybe the answer is staring me right in the face. I know her GF feels that my wife might just need BDSM sex, full stop, more. I think that our sex is stale and unfulfilling for my wife and sex between GF and wife is amazing, but wife generally prefers men, craves hetero BDSM sex more. The way she put it was "If there were two people in front of me that I loved, we both had amazing, kinky sex, I'd pick the male one."
Since my wife is only just embarking on having a fully sexual BDSM relationship, none of us know how it's going to pan out.
Her GF says that she wants her to be happy and if it ends up being the case that wife really only wants D/s sex, with a guy, then she will have to accept that reality and see where that leaves us.
Her GF has no problem finding other women, but still wants the majority of her time and sexual encounters to be with my wife.
I don't want to force a square peg into a round hole. But I did want some ideas (which you have all given) as to what is fair for me to ask for and what I might be able to expect.
It seems like the general consensus is that it's more about quality time than sex. So if she dates sub boy once a week, myself and her GF should have equal time. If there's not enough time for three dates a week, she should cut down on sub boy time. Sitting at home watching TV is not quality time.
I'm going to show her this thread, and any replies that come after this. My guess is that she'll still think that it's ok for her to see sub boy once a week, even if we only have dates twice a week. She'll say that because we live together, we get to see each other all the time. Let's see....