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Old 07-04-2012, 03:42 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 461

So, your husband seems to be feeling jealousy... but the root of it is playing it over in his mind and other feelings. This is going to be long (I apologise, I really do waffle)... but I'll come to the idea of 'root' in a bit.

We have to see jealous outbursts (or even small moments) as flags. We can be quick to become frustrated over our partner's jealousy. But really, seeing the outburst is a signal to look into our relationship. What going on here? Is my partner happy?

To address your confusion over how complicated jealousy can be, I'll put myself out there and show you some of my complicated own experiences. Skip them if you want to.


(A) Never been jealous of my GF and her husband. Great compersion.
Trigger: living with them for three months, going back home to the UK, two days later, they had sex
Emotion: missing being there, missing her, wishing I could still be there with her doing those things
Fear: none

(B) Longterm insecurity over GF's online sub boy. Still good compersion.
Trigger: early poly mistakes. GF telling me too much. Seeing their messages. Watching them be in love.
Emotion: insecure about their love, some anger and resentment due to a lot of personal sacrifice I've made to be with her
Fear: that she loves him more, wants him more
Extra trigger: he's away, then comes back, then away, then comes back - instability

(C) My GF's other play partners. Varied.
Trigger: new people, new situations.
Emotion: sometimes fine, sometimes sexually threatened, sometimes emotionally threatened
Fear: that she will prefer sex, or fall in love with, one of them and be unhappy with me

So, jealousy can occur randomly, over the same people, or different people, for all of us! Yes... it's confusing!


Anger Masquerading As Jealousy
If possible, I do not want to know what my GF does in bed. Her husband always wants to know. He'll ask in front of me and she'll reveal all. That makes me furious. It makes my emotions violated. It takes away my free will, my choice. It makes my jealousy pangs worse - I hang onto it for longer.

This could be your husband's issue. It may not even be jealousy. It could be that his choice about what pictures his mind paints was taken away from him. Only he can tell you.


For me, jealousy works like this:
Event (trigger)
Jealousy (is really insecurity)

Only you know the reality (how secure your relationship with hubby is; how you feel for others; if a threat exists)

Your husband only has the outside view.
His view = what you tell him + what he sees + perspective + insecurity
total = needless worry

If the reality is that you'd like to leave your husband for someone else, obviously you need to address that.

If the reality is that you're happy and secure, he has to feel that too. That's partly down to him and partly down to you. A way to achieve that on your end, is through avoiding unnecessary worry triggers.


I once said a girl reminded me of my first love (worry trigger). I meant her always talking about herself. Would I want that in a long term partner? No. But I like it in secondaries, because it gives me a rest from talking. I find it entertaining. My GF became very insecure. That's not her fault - she can control her reaction (i.e. not hitting me with a frying pan) - but she can't control what triggers her.

Nowadays, when we start picking up on each other's triggers, we're careful to avoid them. And we don't always have the same triggers.

BUT .... some triggers can't be avoided.

My GF is uncomfortable because I spend a long time on dates, or stay overnight. The reasons for this are long, but valid.

My long dates trigger her fear that I will fall in love and leave her.
Because she can't relate. She knows that if she had dates as long as mine are, she'd probably be falling in love.
I'm not falling in love - so I explain that to her.

If I can't change the trigger (my long dates)? I help her understand why it doesn't need to be a trigger. She's sees that long date does not equal falling in love = less needless worry.

Why? What's the point of all this?

In poly, we focus so much on what we say after an event. We imagine that giving love and soothing is the answer to everything.

What about before the event? What about the things surrounding it?

How do you talk about your bruise-giver friend in general? How do you act when you come home? Do you think your husband is able to see the reality of it - that there's no threat?

I'm definitely not saying "completely censor yourself!" I'm saying that if something you do or say triggers a needless worry in hubby that doesn't need to be there, try to look at triggers.

If the triggers are a sign of something valid... i.e. you have the best sex of your life with bruise-giver and would leave your husband.... then you may want to address the truths of that.

How can you avoid them? Be more careful not to get bruises.
That's impossible? Talk to him about why it triggers him and what you can do to ease that, so that it stops becoming a trigger.

Does that ramble make sense?

My advice to you would be this....

Insecurity can rear its head with new people... BUT... also with steady people, when faced with a new situation.

Find out what triggered his insecurity (probably the bruises, but possibly something else).

Find out: why? what are his fears?

Then ask... "Am I saying or doing something on a regular basis that is scratching at that particular insecurity? Is there anything I can do to help? What do you need?"

Sometimes people cannot deal with their insecurity and sometimes people are needy and selfish. I cannot speak at all about your husband, because I do not know him.

I'm just a great believer in this phrase:

"If I'm not understanding something (insecurity warps my reality), explain it to me differently (be careful with my triggers). Work with me from a new angle until I get it. Nothing is impossible to achieve (reality)."

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