I feel that every married couple, poly or not, needs to have a weekly date night. It is crucial!
Sex doesn't have to happen during every date, but there needs to be time spent together where the two of you are focused on each other and not paying bills, parenting, or doing chores, etc. AND in polyamory, it's quite necessary that the spouse who is not going out and getting jiggy with other partners not be left at home with only scraps of romance tossed his or her way when the more active partner happens to squeeze in a little time.
I understand her wanting to keep things spontaneous with you, but it seems that right now your wife may not realize that she is treating you somewhat carelessly and taking you for granted. After the first couple of times you and she do go out on a designated date night, both of you will look forward to it every week and will really want to keep it going.
Note that one thing about date nights with your spouse is that it's an important rule they do not get broken or rescheduled except for a family emergency. A partner should not be swept aside for another, just because something really cool is coming up on a planned date night with someone else. Treat it as sacred - no texting or calling other partners when you're together. Crikey, your wife can get her jollies six other days a week.
I dated a married poly guy last year. Sunday was his day of the week to be with his wife and I respected that, never called him on Sundays. In addition, one major rule he and his wife had was that for every amount of time spent with a lover, they each had to spend equal time with each other. One week, after he had spent time with me, and she had spent time with one of her boyfriends, they got together and had a picnic in the woods, staring up at the stars in the back of their pick-up truck. He said there was a moment when they both looked at each other and sighed, "Yeah, this is what it's all about." They connected again, after a hectic week of socializing and, frankly, fucking other people. And it was the connection they needed as well as sexual intimacy.
If I were you, I would insist on weekly dates. If she doesn't want to give you that, she needs to pull back on spending so much time with other people. Otherwise, she's really not playing fair and that comes across as really bitchy, IMHO. You don't need to feel used and unappreciated. After you get a few more responses, you should invite her to read this thread.
Last edited by nycindie; 07-04-2012 at 02:36 PM.