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Old 07-04-2012, 06:53 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

All of the below thoughts!
Having one person as the point of contact doesn't work in my opinion. Communication has to go all of the way around.
My husband wanted me to be the "point of contact" in regards to my boyfriend. It was a nightmare.
It's MUCH better to have everyone communicating honestly for themselves.

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I think all three of you communicating will be LESS confusing. Otherwise, you get into all that he said, they said, we said bullshit and crossed wires. There have been people here who had that kind of point person rule and it usually winds up feeling very oppressive to the person left out of the loop.

It's a pretty dumb idea if you ask me to only have one person in "the couple" talk to the person who is outside the couple. First of all, it separates you into a "Couple Plus One" mentality. But if you want a Triad, there are four relationships: A+B, B+C, C+A, and A+B+C. I see no practical reason on earth to have rules about only one of you talking to him. What you all need to do is sit down together and make sure you are all on the same page about needs,wants, goals, etc., and then if you are all honest with each other and clear in your communications, it should work. Plus you can all Skype together or conference a call for all three of you.
Originally Posted by funeral0p0lis View Post
I'm going to second nycindie. Rules about who can and can't talk to someone outside the primary relationship, especially if the outside person was interested in both of you, seem silly.

Additionally, if I may be so bold, his question to you about why you would feel uncomfortable with him going on a Hawaii trip with someone the two of you met together seems at best misguided and at worst manipulative. It sounds like the two of you met Dennis recently, and given that your communications with him were limited, you really don't know that much about him. The question is why would you NOT feel uncomfortable with that situation?

Personally, this whole situation sounds kind of fishy, and I think you have every right to feel uncomfortable. I can't really suggest anything except to keep doing what you're doing: being open with him about your feelings, even if that is scary sometimes. Hopefully if you continue to do a good job of that (it sounds like you are), he will follow suit.
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
If you want to have a relationship with this person too, what right has your partner to stop that? He has no right to forbid you from contact, unless he is being selfish and trying to deny you something you obviously want.

In my opinion, poly relationships work FAR better when there is an open line of communication between all involved. When there are blocks to it, it opens it up to lots of miscommunication, either accidental or deliberate.
Originally Posted by dragonflysky View Post
If there's any chance that all three of you will be involved with each other at some time, that I think it's essential that all 3 of you are communicating now! Yes, it can get complicated, but so can misunderstood 3rd party communication attempts! When I share a common friend with someone I don't expect the communication to occur only through one of us to the exclusion of direct communication with the other!

If your current partner thinks it should only be "1" person from the couple communicating, then maybe he should let you be the "1"
to do the communication for awhile since he's already had more time than have you to experience getting to know Dennis. (Something tells me this wouldn't go over too well, in which case I would suspect something else is going on here as you suggested, e.g. insecurity, selfishness, etc.)
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
How to best phrase this...


Talk to Dennis as often as you wish. Plan whatever you wish. Keep your partner in the loop and hash out things that need to be coordinated among the three of you. Expect your partner to do the same.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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