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Old 07-04-2012, 02:09 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,622

I think he was just trying to make me happy even though he didn't want it and saying what he thought I wanted to hear.
He told me to go out but I knew just by his expression and tone of voice that he didn't want me to.

This is a drag. He's not holding his own bag.

In my world?

YOU would have the right to clear communication. (He is not doing this.)

HE would have the responsibility to state his wants, needs, and limits. (He is not doing this).

Ergo, if he feels all Mr Huffy about your going out because you took him at face value, he has to own it. Because you were not given clear information and he's not doing his responsibility.

"I'm not gonna stop you from going out and I'm not going to tell you what to do and what not to do
This is being Mr Passive Aggressive -- expecting your to mind reader his true wants,needs,limits from the skies.

And "testing" your mind reader-ability. And if you do not pick the "correct" choice, your punishment will be living with Mr Huffy for a while.


In my world -- that's skirting close to lying (by omission, not telling the needs, wants, and limits straight up) and that's been 2 examples already of namby pamby. He'd get a warning from me. Frown. I cannot play with a non-serious player.

Keep it up and he'd get a strike on this namby pamby issue. And I do 3 strikes you are out if you refuse to play ball. WORK with me here. I'm not throwing in the towel in a rough patch but you do have to WORK with me here.

I explained to him that I understood that but we are a team and if he didn't want me to go out, I'd be ok with that... so I got the whole go out again... so I went out, for an hour, and I came back. I told him I knew he didn't want me to go out but since he didn't come out and say it, then I am not going to play games and I am going to go out.
I am glad you did this and did not play into Mr Passive Aggressive.

You are exercising your right to clear communication and clear feedback.

You are doing your responsibility about stating your want/need for clear communication.

You are stating your limit -- You will not play mind games. You will take his words at face value then. You don't want to have draaaag stuff out of him or mind reader it.

He must speak his truth! Hold his own bag!

You cannot hold both your bag and his bag.

I broke up with an ex over this very thing. Ugh. DH used to be this way and it made me crazy too but luckily he could and did own it and got better with it. He's still around!

Ask him what he wants here. He has the right to your support and nurture. Does he want to work on this communication thing or not? If yeah, then the next time this comes up, you have to do some fishing then to help him. Maybe the next FEW times to get him used to thinking about articulating his wants, needs, and limits without prompting. Because look! Nothing horrible happens when you do!

Say your pal wants to do darts again.

"My pal wants to do darts again on Friday. I would like to go if that is ok with you. Is it ok with you? What are you needs for Friday? What are your wants for Friday? What are your limits for Friday? Negotiate with me."

Maybe he wants to go on a swanky date OUT with you -- then you just no thanks pal to this time. Maybe next. (See, honey? Was that so horrible? Just state your wants. I'm good with it.)

Maybe he needs a nap first -- so you go out for a while to darts, then come home by 11 PM so you can cozy up and have an in house movie date with him when he's rested. (See, honey? Was that so horrible? Just state your wants. I'm good with it.)

Maybe he's fine with you going out this Friday, he's wide open to that because he's exhausted and will tuck in early AND sleep late. But NEXT day he wants to do brunch with his mother so... just be home in time so you are well rested to be fully present for that and he's cool. (See, honey? Was that so horrible? Just state your wants. I'm good with it.)

Why this is so hard I never understand. (mind boggling) Just spit it OUT, whatever it is. Sheesh.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-04-2012 at 02:31 AM.
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