On one occasion, someone who he keeps mentioning, after a couple times of hooking up, spent the night. I didn't feel comfortable (as promised). My partner got annoyed that I got uncomfortable and said it was my own insecurities (I tend to agree, of course, but to some degree) and that my uncomfortable nature about it takes away from our relationship, as if I'm saying it's not strong enough to overcome such a thing.
Your partner is not holding up his end of the sticks. He's leaving you to flounder about with your feelings alone because what? He doesn't want to do the work of supporting/nurturing you?
Your having uncomfortable feelings is just emotional weather. Wind blows on through.
What takes away from relationship is lack of relating. Not the emotional winds, but HOW you choose to respond to it. He wants to respond by not responding. THIS is what weakens the relationship. How can you feel secure in relationship when there's not enough back and forth relating
going on? You want to be heard and validated and he's not doing it.
I think the part that is most tough is that I'm sad that he doesn't seem to be concerned that I am uncomfortable ('I'm not feeding into your insecurities', he says). This is all so new to me (both of us) in having an open relationship, and it's been under a year. We've been open from the very start. I feel as though I've made leaps and bounds, and am working hard to try to process all of this stuff and look at why I'm having a tough time with it personally (jealousy/insecurity, etc.) but wish that my partner would be a little more sensitive.
Again... I'm not hearing you screaming NO! I am hearing your articulating your right to support and your right to nurture as you process these new things in open relationship at a pace you can digest.
I'm not sure I hear you stating your wants, needs, and limits crystal clear TO YOUR PARTNER though. I heard "I feel... I wish" but I'm not reading "I TOLD my partner, I WROTE him a letter, I SPIT IT OUT last night that...."
Something like "Partner, heads up! I am not saying NO to open rship. I am saying I need time to get used to this at a pace where I can digest.
I need time with you to talk, air out. So can't you slow down on sleepovers for like a month and work with me on this? I'm not saying NO, I'm saying hear my need for support from you and nurture from you. You are shutting me down and leaving me to cope on my own because why?"
In relationship (whatever config) -- people have worth and dignity and it demands respect. You show it by holding up all your ends of the all the sticks.
- The right to clear communication
- The right to expect support from partner
- The right to be nurtured
- The right to get your needs met
- The right to responsiveness
- The right to constructive feedback (positive or negative. Critique, not criticism.)
- Responsible for knowing and stating your needs, wants and limits (Other people are not mind readers!)
- Responsible for following through on promises
- Responsible for your own and your partner's physical safety
- Responsible for your own and your partner's emotional safety
- Responsible for emergency preparedness
- Responsible for caring for your own equipment