I'm pretty torn up today.
I'm a very independent woman, in my 30s. I've always been interested in the subject of polyamory, however, for the most part of my life I've been monogamous - or try to be anyway. I do have polyamorous tendencies, which has led me to believe I am indeed polyamorous.
However, the issue I am dealing with today is where do I become a hypocrite and where do I draw the line? I understand that we get to set our own rules, but if we are torn and lost ourselves, how do we even begin to go about doing that?
I am seeing a man who admits to being polyamorous. He is dating another woman, who apparently is also aware of my existence in his life. I LOVE how I feel when I am with him. He doesn't complete me (I don't believe in another person completing you) but he sure does enhance my life. I haven't felt this happy in a very long time.
This July 4, he has gone out of town with the other woman (whom I have never met) and I am torn because I feel jealous of the time she is spending with him. And how, since he left, he hasn't made the extra effort of reaching out to me even through text. A simple "Hi" or "I'm thinking of you" would be nice... but none of that has come up on my Android.
I've decided to accept a couple of date offers, but half-heartedly so. Part of me thinks I shouldn't. But part of me says go ahead: DATE. After all, he is with her having fun, spending quality time, enjoying each other... why shouldn't I do the same with another? He wouldn't mind. At least that is what he tells me.
Jealousy is a hard pill to swallow. I try to talk myself out of feeling non-special. But when I dont' hear from him, it isn't hard to feel like I don't exist.
I am envious of the time they are spending. I feel excluded. Would I possibly want to meet her? Yes. Am I ready? I don't know.
Before he left, we had an argument. About this whole scenario. He felt that I was delving into polyamory because of my affections for him. In reality, I have been researching the topic years before we met.
How do I deal with the situation when he obviously is also still learning about the subject, particularly juggling two women at the same time? Thing is, does it get better? Could he really just be a young guy trying to have his cake and eat it too? Is the whole polyamory thing just an excuse? Is this common?
I realize the whole polyamory thing encourages that people feel loved not just at a certain time but if possible, most if not all of the time. Then why do I feel so empty that he's away? I feel forgotten.
Any input/advice will be appreciated.