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Old 07-03-2012, 05:03 PM
BlueDragonfly BlueDragonfly is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: MA
Posts: 21

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Where the the communication break down happen? Who will own what piece of the puzzle there? Did he expect you to mindreader him in his discomfort? Will he start just spitting it OUT and own that? If he said he did not want to know and slipped up, did you ask him for confirmation that the "don't tell me" is still the rule before just spitting it out yourself? If not, will you own that -- the need to go "are you sure?" before revealing.
He asked me and I simply stated "I thought you didn't want to know if something has or has not happened". He stated he wanted to know. I've told him that I am ok with taking a step back right now but I explained to him that this is something that is not going to go away and this is something I want in life. We are just taking the discussions from there

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
How will each do better next time to prevent this from happening again? This mixed messages thing?

How will each deal with emotional upheavals in themselves? In their partner? While the emotions are high? Give each other space? Go talk to a trusted friend? What? Because you can't be snipping at each other in high emotion. It's just emotion anyway. Let the storm blow over, then deal with picking up the pieces with intent. When emotions take a chill, how will you act together to solve the issue that caused the emotional whirlwind? (you can choose to ACT with intent, rather than merely REACT all willy nilly).
It's funny that you say that about snipping at each other, etc. Before all of this came out we were constantly yelling or arguing... now we are talking calmly and are very collected in our thoughts and actions.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Just take it one thing at a time. But know that if you want/need to date, his need/want for comfort, safety, security is going to have to be addressed too.

Obviously you tried "do what you want and do not tell me" was fingers in the ears lalalalalala I wanna know but I dowanna know aaaaah! -- and fell flat. Was he offering this just to avoid having to have a Big Talk to lay it all out more clearly?

If so, then you need to work on his Big Talk skill building before you even go further. Poly has a LOT of Big Talk times. You can't hack Big Talk time as a duo, you won't hack it as a trio. And when it's schedule calendar crazy time -- hello! Resentment, jealous, weirdo mess spilling into Small Talk time because nobody wants to do the Big Talk work in Big Talk time.

So that open wide DADT approach will not work in your dating time in your couplehood. What will then?

Find the happy medium. Get talking.

We have had several "Big Talks"... I think he was just trying to make me happy even though he didn't want it and saying what he thought I wanted to hear.

I've have told him a thousand times now that he is my top priority and I'll say it a thousand times again. This is something that I want to go into together.

Right now we are just going to step back and talk talk talk.. It's seems like the best approach at this point.

Thank you for all the great advice!!
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