Thanks for the input on this so far.
GalaGirl: You may well be right about the emotional flooding and, if not, then that's certainly been an issue over the past several months. Thanks for the pointer. This arose a week ago and I've deliberately avoided talking to her about it since then, primarily because it was very clear that both of us were in a very highly emotive state about it and needed time to process and clam down.
Originally Posted by Cleo
Hi UnderMind and welcome.
after reading your story I feel there are 2 different issues here.
1. does your wife really have to play by the same rules you do;
2. did you both agree on the rules and did she now break them?
Issue #2 is something that needs negotiating between the two of you. Issue #1 is something that you need to figure out for yourself, if you can be at peace with that.
Cleo and Anne: As far as I am concerned we do, indeed, have an agreement that other partners will be met. Q even stated that if D had a "primary" partner then she would need to meet her; my question in response to that was "What difference does it make whether his partners are primary or secondary? They still have the right to informed consent and an opportunity to air their views etc."
In answer to your point 1., Cleo: No, she doesn't. She's her own person. But I have the right to be not OK with that, too, which on this particular matter I am not. She has recently put it to D that our agreement is that we meet others and their partners before getting involved with them; his response was that he wouldn't be OK with that. To me, it feels like Q is looking to bend the agreement in order to be able to have a relationship with D, as she already knows that he's not willing to meet us at the point which he knows we require. To my recollection, all
of our prior discussions about this subject area have been about ensuring others are OK, their partners are OK, no-one is being kept in the dark, there's open communication etc. There's no requirement at all to befriend or hang out with metamours or their partners, although that would certainly be welcome if it felt good for everyone.