Originally Posted by UnderMind
When I put this to Q, her response was (amongst other things) "that's your ethics, not mine. I'm not going to waste my time meeting all his partners! I don't give a shit about them!"
Shock, on my part, ensued.
I've obviously been mistaken in believing that the many times we discussed how important it is for partners to at least know each other for purposes of informed consent (and we even have an agreement to this effect, too) is something that we were both completely on the same page about.
She might have the stance that for YOU and HER, of course she wants to/is willing to, meet each others new/potential partners? I feel that way about my husband, and though I'd like to meet metamours connected to others I date, I haven't had any new ones for a long time, and I understand in my current other relationship, that might not happen. I met my boyfriend's wife and girlfriend a few months into dating him, and that was because they wanted to meet, I don't believe he ever would've brought it up.
I can see with some people I would strongly want to meet their partners and some I might actually not
want to, say if they conducted their lives radically differently than I do. Part of that would also be how entwined I saw my life becoming with a person, or if we were going to be great friends or hang out in the same social groups.
My husband wants to meet anybody I date for long, and we have an agreement that we both meet metamours before it becomes sexual. However on his part that's never consisted of more than a 3 minute "Hi". I've had drinks, lunch, and spent the night hanging out getting to know somebody he was dating at various times, all without him. Both of us are happy with that level of metamour exposure it seems.
The last woman he dated, he hadn't met her husband - it was in the works but wasn't planned until after they'd have been sexual. There was about zero chance he'd meet any of other partners, be they casual or serious. We do have different standards for OUR partners vs THEIR partners it seems. I don't know if your wife's perspective was from here, or you'd firmly discussed having to know all your OSO's partners too.
Don't be too shocked, I'm surprised regularly when I think my husband and I are on the same page with poly discussions only to find out we aren't even in the same book.
Now if she has concerns he is being dishonest with people, I can see pushing for being able to check around a bit to see if anybody is in the dark, and being concerned if she is open to date somebody who isn't honest, but if not, I don't know that you have any reason to think he is not honest or ethical, just different? Other than that, unless he'd REFUSE to let her meet his other partners if she and they wanted, that's about the only thing I would let be an issue for me, even if it wouldn't work for me personally.