Remind her of her great appeal for you then...
She was very upfront about this with me from the beginning...
Her bold "put it out there."
You learned the "dowanna know" approach won't fly. Chalk it up to learning. Find the next "let's try this next" thing. Work like a partnership learning to drive and expect some dings on the car. Life is life.
And slap a condom on, buddy. Order some books if you've been out of the loop. You do not have to automatically be fluid bonded to your metamours. (Her lover is your meta)
If you like books? http://www.amazon.com/The-Guide-Gett...+getting+it+on
We recently went back to condoms for BC after decades of being fluid bonded in our marriage because it was vasectomy time and I was coming off BCP. In that time products have all changed around since the last time we were at Condom City! We needed to catch it up! So if you need to catch it up because you were in a long marriage -- catch it up. In fact, catch it up together. Make it fun.
Hit plannedparenthood's website
-- Pretend you are naughty teens getting it on if you want to. But get the sex ed info up to par. That's in the RESPONSIBILITES list too. You are responsible for yours and your partner's physical safety.
My primary problem right now is just dealing with all of these emotions and how to cope with them.
Emotional weather is just emotional weather. Let it blow on through. We feel what we feel when we feel it. Cannot control that.
What we CAN and DO control is how we respond. You want to just REACT to high emotion, or cool off and choose to ACT WITH INTENT?
This is no different than in your marriage when emotions flared up. Let them blow over, you work it out the conflict, come to new understanding, and move it forward. You guys are only 1 year together -- you are still quite new to each other and the situation. Cut yourself some slack and don't expect to be poly perfect right out of the gate. Just breathe and work it like a partnership.
I love her and want to give her the happiness and freedom she desires. But how am I going to be happy knowing I'm sacrificing my needs?
What are your needs? Are they listed out and given to her? Has she signed off on those as reasonable needs that she will try to honor? Have you asked her what her reasonable needs are so you can provide them for her?
Do I try poly or stay poly/mono? So many questions. I haven't been this insecure in such a long, long time.
That's up to you. You are insecure because you are playing in a new poly ball field here -- and your previous experience was mono marriage. And you are still working out articulating all your needs so you can GET secure in this new situation.
So you will feel all knotted up at times. Remember it's tug-of-change transition. It's doesn't have to become tug-of-war push-you-pull-me with your partner. You can decide to just carry the rope together and play rock climbing instead. Then the rope between you is safety, support, and connection while you both climb in the same direction in partnership rather than war rope, no?
And the large part of it -- communication, honesty, trust -- that's old hat. You had a successful marriage for a long time! You KNOW this stuff.
Work stuff out, breathe, take it one thing at a time. Hold up your rights and responsibilities to each other, get the needs out on the table, find the happy medium.
It's totally reasonable to me to need to know a heads up. That's basic manners!
Play ball! Get the needs written out!