Perspectives needed -- feeling very unhappy about ethical stance
After a LOT of hard work, many discussions, much heartache and confrontation of fears, my wife and myself have finally just come to a point where we feel ready to embrace polyamory. Whilst there's clearly a story to be told here, I don't think that it's entirely necessary for the specific concern I'm writing about at this particular time; should the discussion lead to a point where more information is clearly required, then I'll submit such.
Wife (Q) has stated that she wishes to have a relationship with D (male). D is non-monogamous and known to both myself and Q; he currently has a few (not sure how many, exactly) partners that could probably be best described as secondary relationships, no primary relationship.
D has not been what I would describe as ethically non-monogamous in the past and, as far as I'm aware right now, still isn't. Primarily, he isn't OK with his partners meeting his other partners. Thus, from my perspective, there's no chance to ensure there's informed consent for all parties involved, no opportunity for dialogue, his partners have their right to a voice and choice denied to them, no way of ensuring everyone is OK and no opportunities for compersion.
Whilst I totally accept that it's up to him how he wants to conduct his relationships, it doesn't feel like polyamory to me. It's very much not compatible with my set of ethics.
When I put this to Q, her response was (amongst other things) "that's your ethics, not mine. I'm not going to waste my time meeting all his partners! I don't give a shit about them!"
Shock, on my part, ensued.
I've obviously been mistaken in believing that the many times we discussed how important it is for partners to at least know each other for purposes of informed consent (and we even have an agreement to this effect, too) is something that we were both completely on the same page about.
I'm interested to hear what other people make of this. Honestly, it's causing me a considerable amount of discomfort that I've been wrestling with for the past few days; input from the community would be welcome.