We have been working on communication issues and since I told him our communication has been amazing. He has never beent his open and connected to me.
Ok, so improving an area where you were both previously weak. Awesome. But it's not set smooth yet because the communication channels are not yet clear.
My husband knew I met someone that I liked very much and he kept telling me to go ahead and do what I needed/wanted and just not to tell him.
So the next day my husband asks if anything has ever happened... me being the honest person I am told him... he then got very mad/upset. He told me he only told me to do what I wanted to see if I would actually do it... he then took that ability back.
Mixed messages much?
If he means "do not tell me" then why is he asking if anything happened? I thought you were not supposed to tell? If he does not mean
for you to go ahead, then why get mad when you do? What's this business of only offering to see if you really would go there? Why is your mindreader-ability being "tested" like that and your trustworthy meter taking hit points?
It is clearer communication for him to just state his own wants, needs, and limits from the get go up front. It is clearer communication for him to just state that he does not KNOW his own wants, needs, limits just yet on this issue and needs time/help to figure it out. Saying one thing and meaning another and expecting you to divine it out of the skies is anything but clear communication!
You don't need to be lost. It takes some getting used to, but get your ground rules pegged down first. Since the date guy wasn't a runner after all, and since you know you have communication work yet to peg down, you have a window of opportunity here. I'd close back up for a little bit and pause the dating so you can work on strengthening communication with spouse before trying anew with a new date.
Review what happened.
Where the the communication break down happen?
Who will own what piece of the puzzle there? Did he expect you to mindreader him in his discomfort? Will he start just spitting it OUT and own that? If he said he did not want to know and slipped up, did you ask him for confirmation that the "don't tell me" is still the rule before just spitting it out yourself? If not, will you own that -- the need to go "are you sure?" before revealing.
I didn't want to know anything until there was something for me to get excited about. Where my line in the sand was at anything that could cootify me seriously -- I wanted a heads up if another dating partner was looking to go loverly. Oral, PIV, anal sex -- things like that. Some hugging and kissing and light petting wasn't going to bother me too much. I trusted my partner to just give me the heads up. That worked for us, I don't know if that could work for you. But find where your lines in the sand are.
How will each do better next time to prevent this from happening again? This mixed messages thing?
How will each deal with emotional upheavals in themselves? In their partner? While the emotions are high? Give each other space? Go talk to a trusted friend? What? Because you can't be snipping at each other in high emotion. It's just emotion anyway. Let the storm blow over, then deal with picking up the pieces with intent. When emotions take a chill, how will you act together to solve the issue that caused the emotional whirlwind? (you can choose to ACT with intent, rather than merely REACT all willy nilly).
What's the goal here? You with a steady he can get used to and then not be all shook up any more in dating world? A V with you as the hinge? Something else?
Get the goal down of what you seek -- a "V", triad, one partner extra, two extra partners, WHAT? Get your spouse's buy in on that mission so they know what to expect and aren't all afloat in weird unknown.
get the broad strokes of "this is how we agree to be together in my dating time" down.
Just take it one thing at a time. But know that if you want/need to date, his need/want for comfort, safety, security is going to have to be addressed too.
Obviously you tried "do what you want and do not tell me" was fingers in the ears lalalalalala I wanna know but I dowanna know aaaaah! -- and fell flat. Was he offering this just to avoid
having to have a Big Talk to lay it all out more clearly?
If so, then you need to work on his Big Talk skill building before you even go further. Poly has a LOT of Big Talk times. You can't hack Big Talk time as a duo, you won't hack it as a trio. And when it's schedule calendar crazy time -- hello! Resentment, jealous, weirdo mess spilling into Small Talk time because nobody wants to do the Big Talk work in Big Talk time.
So that open wide DADT approach will not work in your dating time in your couplehood. What will then?
Find the happy medium. Get talking.