Thread: Advice
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Old 07-02-2012, 10:18 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467

Speaking as someone who is relatively new to poly... I understand your feelings.

I'll tell you my story briefly, in the hopes that it might help you to relate.

I have been in a poly relationship for about 16 months.

My girlfriend has a husband - I knew this when I met her.

I've actually never felt a speck of jealousy/insecurity about their relationship.

However, when it came to her with other people, new people, I find that difficult and so does she, when I do.

I'm certainly no expert... all I can give you is my personal experience and hope that it helps.

I consider myself poly because:
- In rare circumstances, I can love more than one person at a time and have no preference between the two
- More often, I can love one person completely, but still want to explore other things with other people (different dynamics, different types of sex, new experiences)
- I want (even when it's uncomfortable) my partner to be free and have every experience they want in life
- I want to face my real insecurities, instead of hiding behind monogamous safety nets (it's hard, but for me it's worth it)

As everyone else has said... only you can decide what you want.

Sometimes you don't know until it happens. It might be a case of (if you want to explore it) seeing how you feel when something happens. The first time she kisses, dates or sleeps with another person can be rough - but it can get easier.

You might also start considering whether you yourself could be poly. It's not a requirement - you can absolutely choose to do what you want to do. But sometimes having a similar experience can give you an understanding that you may not find otherwise.

If you do want to go down the road of poly... definitely use resources... forums, websites, books, etc.

I try to remember the following points, regardless of what kind of relationship I'm in:
- I have the right to be heard, nurtured and cared for
- My insecurities are mine and I cannot blame my partner for them
- My partner doesn't cause my jealousy - my insecurities do
- My partner has the right to be nurtured and cared for, and listened to
- It is ok to be upset, insecure or fearful sometimes... try to work through it

It's really a case of compatibility. I cannot control my partner, nor can she control me.

If my girlfriend wants to sleep all day, never clean the house, spend all night online talking to other people, and sleep with ten men a week... how does that work for me? If she pays for a maid, I like time alone when she's asleep and we have amazing sex and date nights all the time despite her other people... I might be happy. This is just an example. My girlfriend does actually clean. At least once a quarter... But really, what I'm saying is... try to figure out what you need and what she can provide. And vice versa.

Poly can be a wonderful, liberating thing. I have always been monogamous, never cheated. I've wanted others, even loved others, whilst monogamous, but never acted on it. I was also insanely jealous and very insecure. I'm talking reading through phones, discomfort with every female friend my partner had, etc etc.

Now that I'm poly, I can't imagine going back to mono. One of the best parts of poly for me is honesty.

My jealous monogamous interactions would go something like this:

me: ~watching my girlfriend look at other women~
her: That girl is hot
me: Right. (dwell on it for a month)

My poly interactions go something like this:
me: ~watching my girlfriend date other men~
her: (babbling on about her dates)
me: Can you stop a minute... I'm struggling with this because it makes me go to that ridiculous place where I feel you are going to leave me, because you prefer men
her: I wouldn't leave you for a man, I'm committed to you (plus, lesbian sex is truly the best form)

Just thought I'd try a little humor.

Obviously it's not that simple - but there are good things about poly.

I say... have a look inside yourself. What are you scared of? That she'll leave you? That other people will kiss better/be better lovers? That you'll find her somehow tarnished if she's been with other people? Something else?

Perhaps talk to her about those things and see where that conversation goes.

There are no guarantees in relationships - whether they are mono or poly ones. My girlfriend could leave me either way. Or she could stay either way.

I wish you all the very best of luck and hope that you can find the right thing for you
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