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Old 07-02-2012, 09:45 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467

I'm going to play Devil's Advocate, because I'm naughty that way, and take a slightly different approach...

People are human - we all make mistakes. Especially when we're freaking out about something.

Obviously, playing "test" games aren't a great idea. But... is there a chance that rather than trying to be cruel, he was clinging to the hope that if he didn't seem bothered, your cravings to do it would go away?

Ultimately, I think it's important to keep the end goal in mind -

Do you both want to be poly? Do you want to be mono/poly? Are you open to loving others, or just sex with others? Dating multiple extra people, or just one person?

Then try to work around/towards that goal. Obviously it's probably going to evolve; but it helps to have an idea in mind, rather than blindly muddling through.

You've taken the first step and started communicating - that's brilliant.

The fact that he agreed to meet him is a promising thing.

God, I'm no Poly Guru - I've been in one mono/poly relationship before and my current poly relationship for 16 months. Because you say you've "come out" as poly... I'm guessing you mean you have been poly before? Or do you mean that you feel poly/want to be poly? I don't want to teach you how to suck eggs.

However, the one piece of advice I'd give you is take it slow. Oh my God, take it slow! My girlfriend and I refer to the mistakes we made in the first few months as "Casualties from the Great Poly War".... and there will probably be some! In five years, we'll probably look at this period right now as the "Second Great Poly War".

My advice would be to sit down with your husband, over a period of time - not a weekend, or a week, but more like a month, at least, and start working things through. Give it time to adjust and feel secure before dipping your toe into the waters.

Again... if you know all this already... I'm sorry!! If you don't .... consider some 'poly guidelines'? Some people don't like using them, some people do. We used to hate the idea, but having none created a complete mess of dashed expectations and double standards.

Though I'm very sorry to hear that the person you liked wasn't all he made out to be; try to see it as a positive thing that you've learnt a good lesson early on... My girlfriend and I picked so many 'toxic' people during the first 4 or 5 months. Now, one of our guidelines is that we all try to meet each others secondary partners and get to know them. We communicate if we get a bad feeling. And we try to take it slow (unless it's meant to be a one-off fling), because people don't tend to show their true colours straight away. Maybe that's something you could talk about.

I would definitely recommend looking online for the various poly resources that are out there. Depending on your area, you could consider poly groups and meetings?

One thing I have personally just learnt, due to the people in this forum, is that there is no "this is how I should feel" in poly. They are just feelings and they just evolve. Ideally, you work together to do that.

Finally... would the idea be that you see other people, but he stays monogamous? This can work... it actually did for me, for a while... but it's not without its problems. Sometimes an even playing field helps balance things out, helps to create empathy for each other (because you can relate to the same experience). That's really between the two of you, though.

Ultimately, bottom line, my advice would be to take everything really slow and steady. I don't mean a false sense of security by staying monogamous for a year - but a compromise of time to keep the boat steady.

I've learnt from recent arguments (yum ) with my girlfriend that if the boat's not steady to begin with... dumping a bunch of extra bodies in isn't going to help. To use a cheesy metaphor - life jackets help!
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